Not tied to her ex’s crimes

Dear Amy: I was sad and embarrassed to learn that my ex-husband was involved in corporate crimes during the time we were married.

One of two cases and the related court dockets and evidence reveal participation in a complex scheme that resulted in the plaintiff company being awarded a huge settlement.

I quietly left the marriage and took a work assignment halfway across the country to escape his erratic behavior, irresponsibility and terrible work ethic.

I had no idea he was committing crimes, in my home and under my nose — a common scenario, as I now understand it, for wives of white-collar criminals.

A second corporate fraud case is now on the docket. I am aware that these crimes materially impacted many people far and wide.

I’m wondering if I should remain silent about my departure from the marriage, or take proactive measures to share with those who were once in our common circle of friends and colleagues that I was not aware nor would I have condoned such illicit and predatory acts.

A divorce from a whitecollar criminal often is perceived as a means for the wife to protect her interests, while standing by her man.

I’m not that person, and am increasingly uncomfortable that this could be the perception. What do I do?

Amy in SC

Dear Amy: You should claim your own narrative, using your own words and writing down the story you want others to know. But for now, do this only for yourself.

I don’t think it is wise to publicly note any details about your ex-husband’s crimes, until these crimes are completely settled through the courts and you receive competent legal advice directed only to you.

The last thing you want to do is to accidentally ensnare or implicate yourself in the situation you’re trying to maintain distance from.

Your actual friends know you and understand your situation. As for those who may have “perceptions” about your divorce, didn’t you leave these perceptions behind when you left your previous life behind? The fact is, you did leave the marriage in order to protect your own interests. Good for you.

Dear Amy: My godson is getting married soon. He and his fiancé live in a small apartment, so they are not listed on any bridal registry.

On their wedding website, they suggest that if guests want to make a donation to honor their wedding, they can give to a local clinic that performs abortions.

I don’t condemn their pro-abortion stance, but to place that on a wedding invitation is beyond my belief.

I will not give to an abortion clinic (my choice).

I was planning to give them a check and will be upset if it goes to an abortion clinic. What should I do?

Wedding Dilemma

Dear Dilemma: Many couples suggest causes for their wedding guests to donate to in their honor. Clinics offering abortion services also offer other important reproductive health services.

If you don’t condemn this couple’s stand on abortion, then surely you wouldn’t condemn their choice to donate their own money toward supporting a clinic.

And if you give them money, it will be their money, to spend as they choose.

You don’t have the right to control where a gift you give lands. A gift card to a local restaurant might make you feel better.