Build a better teen guest

Dear Amy: When our son visits us with his teenage daughter, she totally trashes her room during her stay.

As the grandmother and host, can I demand that she keep her room in some semblance of order?

Demanding Gram

Dear Gram: It’s your home, and you can issue demands with abandon.

But your son should work with his daughter to teach her how to be a better guest.

For now, I suggest that you approach this more like a grandmother and less like a drill sergeant.

I don’t know if you have raised daughters, but teen girls are notoriously messy. (I’m having flashbacks just thinking about it.) Some tolerance and grandmotherly indulgence is called for.

Handle this with clarity and humor. Tell the teen, “This is your room while you’re here, and I want you to feel cozy, comfortable and at home. But it’s my room the rest of the time, so can you do me a favor and keep it tidier? I love looking in and seeing you in this space. But I don’t want my head to explode. Imagine the mess!” Ask her to obey one or two easy-to-follow rules, such as “no food in your room” or “no wet towels on the floor.”

Make sure there are some photos of her in the room. This might inspire her to respect the space a little more.

You could also teach her some basic life skills while she is with you. Ask her to help you to change her bed, launder the linens and remake it.

Before they depart, you could ask her and her father to help you to strip the beds (hers and her dad’s), because that’s what thoughtful guests do (or offer to do) at the end of their stay.

Overall, even with my own adult daughters, I find it less stressful to just keep their bedroom doors closed during their visits home.

Dear Amy: I am a recent graduate with a master’s degree. I have an opportunity to coach my high school alma mater’s cross-country team this spring while I am home looking for professional jobs in my field.

I’m excited about this but I’m concerned about the best way to communicate with my student athletes.

Is it OK to text them? I’m aware that they are vulnerable. I’m also closer in age to them than many coaches might be. I don’t want to cross any lines so I’m wondering how to approach this.

Future Coach

Dear Coach: This is a valid concern. You should ask the athletic director at the high school to provide specific direction on communicating with students.

There are apps you can use to communicate with a group (about schedules, etc.), which also allow oneon-one messaging. Remind .com has designed an app specifically for educators to communicate with their students and parents without revealing individual phone numbers, thus protecting the privacy of both.

Never comment on a student’s appearance (including compliments), overshare personal details or communicate with them about matters outside of your area.

If students don’t respect the professional boundaries you set (by oversharing, making personal comments, or contacting you too frequently), ask your athletic director/mentor and the student’s parents for guidance.

Email is also a great way to go (it creates a record of all communication), but I’m aware that for some teenagers, email is the equivalent of the pony express.