Ending an estrangement
Dear Amy: My boyfriend of 10 years (with a few breaks) does not have a close relationship with his parents and really no relationship at all with his two siblings.
Little things have happened through the years that have upset people, and no one ever communicates or makes up with each other.
He also doesn’t have good relationships with his young-adult daughters. They seem to have chosen their mom over him.
I know it hurts him, but he doesn’t feel he can do much about it. He does try to reach out, with little response from them.
I have gotten really frustrated with how everyone acts and the horrible communication and how badly they treat him, so I completely stay out of it.
I say nothing to any of them because I barely know them anyway. Is that the right thing to do?
Sad Woman in AZ
Dear Sad: You have chosen to be with someone who does not have a track record of healthy relationships. It sounds as if his family system is dysfunctional, and while this could be the reason for his behavior, he doesn’t seem motivated to try to do things differently.
You might have had opportunities to affect this dynamic to some degree, but you don’t seem eager to exert yourself either.
Estrangement is common, and it does run in families, often for generations.
I suggest he concentrate on trying to repair the relationship with his kids. You can be helpful by working on developing a braver and more functional communication style, by supporting his efforts and by encouraging him to keep trying, with an open and loving attitude.
If these daughters have aligned with their mother, they might have been lied to and their own spirits and relationships poisoned.
He should patiently try to rewrite the faulty narrative with the hopes of creating a new storyline with them.
Karl Pillemer, PhD, in his book “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them,” offers compassionate and practical advice for how to attempt reconciliation.
Dear Amy: My fiancé and I are getting married this summer. “William” is in his mid-30s. He has one brother, “Sam,” who is 25.
William has asked five friends to be groomsmen at the wedding — some from childhood, some from college. He wanted to have men with him who have been extremely important in his life.
He did not ask Sam to be in the wedding because he is significantly younger.
William and Sam have a good relationship. Frankly, he didn’t think Sam would be bothered.
Sam did not take it well. He said his feelings are very hurt and he doesn’t even want to attend the wedding.
We’re not sure what to do at this point. We think he is overreacting, but we don’t want to hurt his feelings.
Engaged and Worried
Dear Engaged: Your fiancé has one brother. If he wanted to take a shortcut to make Sam feel like chopped liver — mission accomplished!
Sam might not be the primary male connection in William’s life (due to the age difference), but I guarantee the elder brother is the primary male connection for the younger brother.
I think William should apologize and offer him a place in the wedding. This is not bending to emotional blackmail but responding to his brother’s honesty.