Dad needs to face reality

Dear Amy: My wife and I have a difference of opinion about our 20-year-old daughter.

She’s a sophomore at a university in Europe and recently started dating a male sophomore student.

When she comes home for summer, he plans to visit.

I have told my wife that I expect him to sleep in our guest bedroom and our daughter to sleep in her room during his visit.

My wife makes the case that they are practically living together in college. While I acknowledge this, I feel uncomfortable with explicitly allowing them to sleep together in our home.

I am having a hard time verbalizing it, but it just doesn’t seem right to me.

Am I getting hung up by this country’s puritanical attitudes toward sex and my Roman Catholic upbringing, or is there legitimacy to my desire to have them sleep in separate rooms? Pondering Papa

Dear Pondering: Your reaction may be a puritanical thing, and a Catholic thing. But mainly it’s a dad thing.

This is about dads and daughters, and the ancient and protective dynamic between them.

Yes, you know that your daughter and her boyfriend have sex, but as long as this happens elsewhere, you’d rather not think about it.

Also, unless you’ve met this guy before, he is essentially a stranger to you. Letting a stranger sleep with your daughter in your home violates your innate bond to protect her.

The “legitimacy” of your reaction lies in the fact that you are having it.

Understand that this couple will sleep together. Unless you intend to police the hallway at night, this will be happening in your home.

You might compromise by offering them two rooms — one might be a place to keep his things and bunk down (if he wants to) while he is visiting. Then leave the rest up to them, without dictating specific terms.

This might help you to maintain the cognitive dissonance you seem to require in order to admit this relationship into your world.

This is your chance to begin the process of letting go. It is a tough but necessary developmental step.

Dear Amy: I am a single man in my mid-40s.

During the pandemic I started talking online with a woman. We texted a lot and called each other often.

We’ve also video chatted.

Our relationship sort of fell off the grid, but recently she got back in touch with me. We finally agreed that it was time to meet in person.

We agreed to meet halfway between our homes.

The morning of our meeting, I got a text from her saying that she had to go into the hospital for tests. I was very concerned and asked if she needed anything from me. She said no.

Then she basically pulled away. Several weeks later, I pressed the idea of meeting again; she said she has cancer and is undergoing treatment. She does not want to see me or be in touch.

This all seems so strange. I don’t know how to process this. What do you think? Concerned

Dear Concerned: If she is ill and doesn’t want to see you, you have to respect her decision. This is tough.

However, I think it’s possible that she has created a fiction and has strung you along, and is now using this as a reason to sever ties.

Generally, it is wisest to meet in person soon after you feel a connection online.

Email questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@ amydickinson.com.