Family feud is festering
Dear Amy: My two sons aren’t speaking to each other after a fight that occurred at Christmas two years ago.
The result is my granddaughters, 11, 9 and 6, don’t like their uncle and aunt.
When my grandkids spent the night at my house last weekend, I told them that I love both of my sons equally. They started to cry.
The next day I met with their parents in a coffee shop and apologized. I said I did not mean to offend anyone and asked for forgiveness.
I thought they had forgiven me until recently, when my son said the oldest girl is scarred. He claims I screamed at her and that she now needs therapy.
He asked me to go to therapy as well.
I asked my sons to forgive and move forward so our family can be back to normal. They declined.
Is there anything we can do to solve this?
UNFORGIVEN GRANDMA
Dear Unforgiven: I’m going to assume that you are leaving out many details in your narrative, including important context. This forces me to speculate.
You told your three young granddaughters that you love both sons equally.
This is an innocuous and laudable statement. But I wonder if it came at the tail end of a larger discussion, and if so, why you were discussing this issue with these girls in the first place.
Children are extremely curious about relationships. They will ask leading questions but will then feel overwhelmed or cornered by the response. (This might explain why they were crying.)
Perhaps your granddaughters asked you to talk about their dad and their uncle’s relationship, curious about the fight that led to the estrangement.
The eldest might have disturbing memories of this Christmastime fight, and the conversation brought up some unresolved trauma.
Or maybe their dad is trying to box you into a corner by controling the narrative.
A skilled therapist could help the entire family.
I hope you will find a way to cooperate, without letting your son control you. You should express your willingness to see a therapist, especially if he will join you.
Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have two children and between them and our jobs, we are super-busy, but we are making things work.
Recently we had a rare date night together. We both had a bit too much to drink. We were having the kind of intimate conversation we haven’t had in a long time.
My wife admitted that right after we got engaged, she had a brief fling with her ex. She described it as a “last fling before I got married.”
I was shocked. Floored, actually.
I don’t want to throw our relationship away over something I know happened a long time ago, but I’m having trouble getting past this.
She acts like she has unburdened herself and thinks this should be the end of it.
I don’t know how to respond.
SHOCKED HUSBAND
Dear Shocked: Your wife’s “f ling ” is old news for her. For you, this is new. She does not have the right to insist you get over it quickly.
Do not throw your relationship away over this. Do talk about it. You should express everything that you are thinking and feeling, and she should listen and learn from you. If you find you are holding onto resentment, a marriage counselor could help guide you through this.