Protecting their space

Dear Amy: We are having an issue with our daughter and son-in-law regarding the use of a guesthouse. They live a day’s drive from us, so when we visit we like to stay for several days. We try to visit at least monthly.

We decided to find a home that had a mother-inlaw unit separate from the main house.

We helped them (substantially) to purchase their home in order to have this unit be our separate space.

We felt this was a better option than buying a small studio or condo (about the same cost) to be close to them and the grandkids.

They were excited to do this with us.

Now they are using it as a guesthouse for friends.

Often it isn’t as clean as we leave it, and there has been conflict at times with friends visiting when we planned to be there.

We don’t feel comfortable sharing our space. We have talked with them several times about our feelings, but the issue keeps recurring.

Are we wrong to ask them not to have guests stay in our place?

Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: You helped substantially with the purchase of this home, but you don’t seem to actually own this separate unit, so this whole arrangement is riding on an understanding.

Your daughter is not respecting the original intent or the impact on you, but if she doesn’t respect your wishes and sensitivities after discussing this several times, it reveals how she and her husband regard you.

You are not “wrong” to expect exclusive use of this guesthouse, but you should realize that going to the mat over this could affect your relationship in the long term.

If both parties agree that this is “your” unit, you could install a lock with a changeable code; if they would like to borrow the unit for guests, they would have to contact you for it. This would at least put you in charge of access.

Dear Amy: I am 20 and my girlfriend of six months is 19.

Ever since we started dating, she seems to go out of her way to tell me whenever a guy hits on her, compliments her or flirts with her.

She’s gorgeous, so I totally understand that this is going to happen.

I completely trust her, but when we started going out I told her that I don’t really need to hear about every time a guy compliments her. Finally, I flat-out asked her to stop reporting these things to me.

Yesterday she was headed to her friend’s house and told me that her friend’s brother has a crush on her.

Why does she do this? I feel like breaking up with her, not because I’m jealous but because she seems to enjoy rubbing my face in the attention from other guys.

Stymied Student

Dear Student: I think she does this because she is insecure, and this is her way of testing your relationship.

You’ve asked her to stop doing this, but you don’t seem to have asked her to tell you why she does it.

I suspect she is immature and that this gamesmanship is how she has gained social currency in the past.

It’s also possible that she believes jealousy and drama are a necessary component to relationships.

You should ask her how she would feel if you behaved this way.

If you believe this behavior reveals an essential difference between you, it would be best to find someone whose maturity and values better align with yours.