Choosing to trust a friend

Dear Amy: I need to resolve an issue concerning my close friend “Brian” and my ex-girlfriend.

The three of us used to socialize together.

Brian told me that he has not seen my former girlfriend after our breakup except once, accidentally.

However, a couple of days ago Brian volunteered to me that he has been patronizing the restaurant where my ex used to work (I thought she no longer worked there, but a reliable source told me that she does still work there).

It is not the type of restaurant that Brian would frequent because of his limited choices of cuisine.

I suspect that the only reason he would go there is because he always liked her.

I realize that I cannot expect to impose my will on who Brian chooses to associate with, but it makes me uncomfortable that it appears that he is being untruthful.

I really don’t want to end my friendship, but now I can’t trust him.

Should I confront him, or should I just end my friendship, which is something I really don’t want to do?

If Brian wanted to have some type of relationship with my former girlfriend and if he was honest about that, my feelings about this might have been different. I am confused and hurt. K

Dear K: You say you might be fine with Brian spending time with your ex, but I think it’s important that you admit to yourself that you’re feeling a bit lost and hurt. You are also overly invested and speculating. You have not quite left the relationship with your ex.

It is natural not to want your close friend associating with your ex. Even though you understand that you cannot control another person’s associations, if you are trying your hardest to stay away from someone, you want others to also respect this boundary.

I’d say that it is also natural for Brian to withhold this information from you, because he wants to maintain both friendships.

Don’t hold on to your suspicion and speculation. Talk with Brian about this.

Tell him, honestly, that you know he has the right to maintain a friendship with your ex, but right now it hurts. If he denies spending time with her, you should choose to believe him.

Ultimately, trust is a choice, and if you lose your friendship with Brian, then your failed relationship with your ex will have robbed you of an important friendship.

Dear Amy: My girlfriend of three years recently revealed a very deep, personal issue about me to a group.

We were at a party and she was drunk, but I was shocked and felt betrayed. I shared this issue with her with the understanding that I wanted to keep it completely private. Two people at this party are my family members and I specifically did not want to tell them.

She knew that this was a deep secret she was holding.

I’m devastated and don’t want to be with her anymore.

She is begging for my forgiveness and says the fact that she was drunk should make this excusable.

What should I do? Devastated

Dear Devastated: I think you should forgive her.

I also think you should break up with her.

Being drunk might excuse you having to hold her hair while she vomits into the toilet. But it’s no excuse for violating your privacy and the agreement you had.