It’s time to stay out of it

Dear Amy: My good friends want to downsize for retirement, but the major repairs needed on their house will prevent them from making enough on the sale to buy their next place.

They asked me to brainstorm options. One idea I had was to convert the basement level into a rentable apartment, so they can use the rental income to complete the repairs over time.

They decided to go for it, but in my opinion they are making all the wrong decisions! They are using a handyman and doing a lot of work themselves in order to avoid filing for permits and to keep the cost lower.

I’m concerned that they will end up struggling to rent the unit if it appears unsafe, plus losing money on the ultimate sale — and it will all be because of my suggestion.

They haven’t asked for my opinion again, and they are very excited about it.

I believe they’re cutting too many corners. I really want them to succeed with this, and I also don’t want them to resent taking my advice. Should I butt in?

Worried for Friends

Dear Worried: You offered your advice. They made a choice to adopt your idea, and now they are enacting it in their own way. It is no longer “your” idea but theirs.

If they don’t follow safety guidelines, they might have a bigger problem on their hands than creating an unappealing rental unit. The rental unit needs to be safe for occupancy. Doing things right now will avoid repair problems later, and increase the value of their property.

When I feel compelled to offer advice, I start by asking, “Are you willing to hear some unsolicited advice?”

(Then wait for an answer, because some will say no.)

If they welcome your feedback, offer it — one time — and then, no matter what, leave it alone, unless they ask for your opinion.

Dear Amy: Good friends who lived across the street moved away two years ago.

The following summer, I invited the new family (“Family A”) and three other neighboring families over for a cookout. Everything went well. It was a fun evening. One of the other families (“Family B”) also was new.

A and B live across the street from me, next door to each other.

Neither A nor B has ever invited me or my husband to their houses, not even for a cup of coffee.

When Family B had a baby, I stopped by and dropped off a card and a gift.

That was the only time I was ever invited into their house. (They did send me a thank-you card afterward.)

For the last two years, I’ve seen A and B get together during the summer.

They are “smile and wave” neighbors but don’t seem interested in becoming friends with me. My husband thinks it’s because they have younger kids. Our youngest children are 13year-old twins.

It just makes me feel sad. Why is it so difficult to make new friends as adults?

Missing My Friends

Dear Missing: I believe that making new friends is challenging at any age.

Falling into friendship is like falling in love — it has to do with chemistry.

You got lucky with your previous neighbors, and you are proving you are a kind and generous neighbor, but these families are bonded by their younger kids and obviously share a rapport.

Don’t take this personally. You are not doing anything wrong. They also are not doing anything wrong.