Open up about adoption

Dear Amy: In 1964, I met “Laura” and her infant baby “Beth.” (Laura had gotten pregnant with a married man.) Laura and I got married, and I adopted Beth when she was a year old.

We raised Beth as my biological daughter and never heard a word from her biological father. We told Beth about her adoption when she was 8. Her mother invited Beth to ask questions, but Beth didn’t want to talk about it.

We had a very loving family and never had one problem. I always considered Beth to be my own child.

After my wife died recently from breast cancer, Beth did a DNA test and discovered that she has many biological relatives.

Her bio-father died a few years ago. Beth has contacted her newfound family.

She went on social networks announcing these new relatives. This hurt me.

I can understand her inquiry, but I am upset with her use of social media to announce the results. Many of my friends never knew Beth was my adoptive daughter.

Am I wrong to be upset with her use of social media? I let her know my feelings were hurt. I haven’t heard from her for several months.

Jake From PA

Dear Jake: You are Beth’s father. You should continue to act like her loving father.

I’m going to assume that Beth pursued DNA testing after her mother’s death in part to reveal any inherited genetic health issues.

She then naturally sought out other biological relatives in order to answer some of those questions she never felt able to ask you.

I infer that, aside from that one disclosure, you were not open with her about her adoption during her childhood. You should be open with her now.

You are not wrong to be upset about your daughter’s use of social media to announce her newfound biological family members, but this sort of public sharing of what might seem like personal or private business has become almost the norm for people in her generation.

At this point you should work harder to accept it.

Holding adoption was more common when you adopted your daughter, but people who joined families through adoption have the right to be open about their own history.

I hope you’ll continue to reach out. Express interest in her biological relatives; if she’s happy, then you should try to be happy for her.

Dear Amy: I am a 77-yearold, retired professional woman who has been widowed for three years after a very long, happy marriage.

I’m ready to begin dating but unsure how to proceed.

When I was young, the lady never did the asking.

I’m not sure if that is still the protocol or whether it is acceptable and expected for me to ask a gentleman I know to be single for a date.

If I do that, do I pay for the date, or is splitting the check the norm?

Hoping for Companionship

Dear Hoping: It is completely acceptable for a woman to ask a man out.

Good first dates should be simple, inexpensive and designed for ease of conversation: a walk in the park or a visit to your local museum or botanical garden, followed by coffee or a drink. Choose something nearby and easy.

The person initiating the date should offer to pick up the check, but splitting it is the norm. A man of your generation might want to pay, even if you invited him out.

Get out there! And good luck.