An indecent ‘proposal’?

Dear Amy: My husband of 45 years recently came to me with a proposal. He wants to deepen a friendship with a single woman 20 years younger.

He says she lifts his spirits, is creative and is a great mom to her children.

Their conversations are lively and interesting, and he finds that he wants to be around her more often.

I was flabbergasted and hurt to the core. To me, this is an emotional affair. Because of my reaction, he has labeled me as lacking self-esteem and accuses me of not trusting him.

Am I overreacting to this, or am I being reasonable?

Hurt Feelings

Dear Hurt: If it’s a true “proposal,” then you get to say, “No deal. I reject your proposal.” But I think this is an announcement.

When you responded to this by revealing your own vulnerability, your husband chose to gaslight you.

In addition to highlighting this woman’s great qualities, he is by implication drawing a contrast to you,

Now, the way your husband is reframing this is that your insecurity and lack of trust is driving him to this other relationship.

People get to have friendships. Married people need friendships.

But the way to engage in a friendship with someone designed to threaten your partner (younger, single, lively, spirit-lifting) is to bring the new friend around and offer to share said friend, at least to the extent where it is obvious that this friendship will not threaten your marriage.

This new person sounds captivating. You should invite her to dinner to see what the fuss is about.

You and your husband could benefit from some professional counseling, which would help each of you to describe what about this particular episode is so important, from your individual and opposing perspectives.

Dear Amy: I am in my early 60s. I have three older siblings. I grew up with a lot of arguing and fighting involving my sister, brother and parents. I dreaded dinnertime. I couldn’t wait to get out on my own but still hated getting together.

Fast-forward to recent years. At extended family gatherings my brother and sister feel the need to dominate every conversation with inane comments.

My aunt once said of my sister: “She literally never shuts up.”

Interactions that start out as conversations end up in arguments.

I can no longer stand to be at these gatherings with my brother and sister.

I made up an excuse to get out of a gathering at my brother’s house, and he gave me a guilt trip anyway, saying that I don’t want to be with family. He’s not wrong, but I don’t want to admit it. I need help dealing with this.

Frustrated and Sad

Dear Frustrated: The youngest sibling in any family tends to witness a lot. This can lead to a tendency toward peacemaking, people pleasing or — in your case — a lot of anxiety.

Recognize that your feelings and reactions are completely valid.

You are in your 60s. Perhaps it’s time for you to state your feelings, in an honest, nonconfrontational way.

Your brother accuses you: “You don’t want to be with family!” You respond, “That’s true, because I feel anxious and upset when people bicker.”

If you do attend, give yourself an escape hatch.