Husband patrols his wife’s feelings
DEAR AMY » My wife and I have been married for a long time.
Several times now when “Millie” feels slighted by a friend, I have mentioned a mitigating reason that the alleged offensive act is not so bad as it might seem.
Millie goes into a rage and charges me with “not supporting” her.
She says I am telling her that she is not entitled to her feelings.
I think that I AM supporting her by suggesting that she doesn’t have to feel so offended. Also, she is punishing ME for having an opinion.
Millie seems to believe that rage is a proportionate response to my stating something that is not quite what she wants to hear.
She claims that I could state my objection a different way without “judging” her. I don’t know how that is possible because any disagreement is a judgment on the other person’s point of view.
Millie also says that I regularly disagree with her, seemingly for the sake of being contrary, “even though I don’t realize it.”
By my mind she is becoming intolerant of my having my own views on things.
I love Millie and generally have enjoyed living together, but I can’t abide with living in fear of saying anything besides “yes, dear.”
How can we find some middle ground?
— Mindful
DEAR MINDFUL » Some of what you describe could broadly be categorized as differences in communication styles typical for males and females. The “Mars/Venus” stereotype seems to fit your example.
Using this stereotype, a woman wants to share her feelings and mainly be “heard.” She is seeking supportive commiseration: “That sounds so frustrating.” “I’m sorry that happened.”
Men hear about a personal scenario and tend to problem-solve first, and commiserate later.
Your wife perceives your problem-solving as you negating her feelings, even though that is not your intention.
You telling “Millie” that she “doesn’t have to feel so offended” is really you telling her how she “should” feel — and nobody gets to tell another person how to feel.
You should NOT have to universally agree with your wife. You should NOT be “punished for having an opinion,” but why do you have an opinion about a personal dynamic between Millie and her friend? Why do you have an opinion about her feelings?
Family members are great at noticing patterns. Because you notice a pattern, you should mention it: stick with describing her behavior, not her feelings.
You two should talk about the way you communicate, and you should both make changes, in order to shift your dynamic. A couples counselor could definitely help.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson. com and follow her on Twitter @askingamy.