Recognizing the signs of abuse

All relationships start out with hearts and flowers, said Marsha Krouse-taylor, executive director of Casa de Esperanza domestic violence shelter. But there are red flags that, if heeded, can help prevent people from becoming victims of domestic violence.

“People who abuse their partners have very low self-esteem, and try to keep the other person in the relationship by tearing down their sense of self,” Krousetaylor said. “People usually ask ‘why doesn’t she leave?’ Well, why does he hit her? She stays because she wants what we all want – to be loved and cared for by another person.”

Krouse-taylor and Leslie Carbah, public information officer for the Yuba County Sheriff’s Department, stressed that both men and women can become victims of domestic violence. Domestic violence resources exist to protect both genders.

“It’s not gender specific,” Carbah said. “There’s a misconception if there’s a mutual physical altercation that the man is arrested; we do arrest women as well.”

Abusive behavior always starts out verbal, Krouse-taylor said. Verbal abuse includes calling the victim lewd, demeaning names, or insulting their intelligence – basically saying anything that feels disrespectful. Krouse-taylor said this stage of abuse is the ideal time to leave the relationship, but many people mistakenly believe the abuse won’t progress to violence. It does.

“Anyone who demeans or disrespects you doesn’t love you,” Krouse-taylor said. “When you first begin to feel less than, you need to evaluate whether you want to be in a relationship that requires you to arrange yourself to make them happy. And it will get worse from there.”

After verbal abuse becomes the norm within the relationship, Krouse-taylor said the perpetrator starts using intimidation to obtain compliance. Intimidation usually involves threatening to withhold love and affection if the victim does something the perpetrator finds threatening – like wearing certain clothes or spending time with other people.

Krouse-taylor said victims should be especially wary of partners who discourage them from spending time with family, friends or other social groups. She considers this phase of abuse to be the “tipping point,” because it paves the way for physical violence.

“The abuser wants to isolate their partner from people who make them feel good about themselves because it contradicts the narrative they’re trying to impose,” Krouse-taylor said. “Once isolation is complete, the door is open for physical violence because there’s no one to help her.”

She also emphasized the best thing concerned family and friends can do for a domestic violence victim is stay in their life. Positive affirmation can help victims realize they need to leave a toxic situation, and that they have a support system to lean on during the process.

Krouse-taylor warns that victims will need to seek outside help once physical violence sets in. Like other abusive behavior, physical violence starts out gradually. Perpetrators won’t necessarily start by hitting their partners, but they’ll resort to taking car keys and blocking the door to prevent the victim from leaving during an argument. They may also start punching walls, but it won’t take long for the victim to become the intended target, Krouse-taylor said.

“The perp will apologize after doing it to give the victim a false sense of control, but it usually happens again,” Krouse-taylor said. “We hope to reach victims before it gets to this stage, but we’ll do whatever is necessary to get them out. At this point, their life depends on it.”

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