Co-worker, friend becomes ‘landfill’ outlet for others’ trauma

DEAR ABBY: It seems I am a human landfill into which people dump their trauma. I’m not sure how this happened. It started three years ago, when an estranged friend called me and talked for more than an hour about what had led to him getting fired from his job. I was touched that he had reached out, and I expected us to resume our friendship, but he wasn’t interested in much more communication.

Later, a work acquaintance invited me to lunch and began unloading the awful trauma she had endured 40 years ago. It was a one-way conversation, with not even enough pause for me to politely reaffirm what was being said. We never spoke after that because I left the company.

Now, a new co-worker I haven’t made any personal connection with calls me a few times a week to “trauma dump.” I try to change the subject, but her stories of abuse and peril never stop. In fact, I can put her on speaker phone while I loudly go about my business at home, and she’ll continue talking. When she finally has had enough, she then abruptly ends the call.

I finally decided I’m done answering her calls. What can I do to ensure I am no longer seen as the trauma landfill? -- DONE WITH IT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DONE: This keeps happening because you are a caring, empathetic and polite person who has the patience to allow these people to dump on you. The next time it starts to happen, say this: “This must have been terrible, but I am not equipped to advise you about it. This is something that should be addressed by talking to a therapist” (or, in the case of the former coworker who called you, HR). After that, be less available.

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DEAR ABBY: After 28 years, my wife left me “to find herself.” She says she doesn’t want a divorce; she just needs time and space to work on herself, but she also wants to work on our marriage. She doesn’t want to talk, text or contact me.

My question is, how are we supposed to work on our marriage with no contact? What am I supposed to do? I love her, but she’s avoiding me and everyone else, including her friends and family. All she wants to do is work and be alone in her apartment. -LONELY IN THE EAST

DEAR LONELY: When you asked how your wife plans to work on your marriage if you aren’t seeing each other or communicating (or utilizing marriage counseling), you asked a pertinent question.

She cannot have it both ways, nor does she seem open to repairing what drove her to leave your marriage.

Ask if she is interested in counseling. If she isn’t, please get a referral to a therapist for emotional support for yourself right now. If you do, you will more quickly be able to figure out what your next steps should be.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old woman who can’t seem to forgive my mother. For many years I have felt that she doesn’t like me.

I am at the point that I no longer want to be around her because, in her eyes, I can’t do anything right. I feel like any invitation from her is fake or last-minute, especially for family gatherings.

This leads me to the subject of my wedding: My fiance and I agree we don’t want her there because of how she has treated not only me, but him as well. We sent out the invitations and invited my dad, who is my hero. So, guess who now has hurt feelings? Now she wants to talk to me.

I’m not comfortable seeing or talking to Mom alone, which I have expressed. The problem is, this hurts my dad, which hurts me, too.

How do I make nice without disrespecting myself in the process? -- IN A MESS IN MONTANA

DEAR MESS: How much “nice” do you want to make with your mother? Are you willing to invite her to the wedding when you see her? If your parents are still together, do you expect your father to show up without her?

You have some grown-up decisions to make regarding your special day. Bite the bullet. Invite your mother and, if necessary, seat your parents in “Siberia.” After that day, you will not be obligated to see or speak to her again.