HBO’S NEXT TRUE DETECTIVE CONFRONTS HIS OWN MORTALITY
How do you want to go? I can tell you how I don’t want to go—waiting in line to pay parking tickets and having a light from the ceiling fall on my head. Do you have any deathbed confessions? I invented Twitter. Will you be going to heaven or hell, and why? Heaven, because everyone knows it has a better food court. Which movies are playing on repeat in heaven? In hell? Heaven would be Rudy, and hell would be The Cell. What’s on the soundtrack in hell? It would be someone asking these questions on a continuous loop put to techno music. As the star of True
Detective season 2, what’s the one unsolved mystery you’d most like to solve? If it’s not butter, what is it? What’s the one thing you absolutely will not miss? icarly. While alive, what did you spend the most money on? Turning my living room into an exact replica of the set of icarly. Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again on Earth. Stretching. Where would you go on your last vacation, and why? I would go to De Smet, South Dakota, to the home of the real Little House on the Prairie author Laura Ingalls Wilder to stand where her main character, Isaiah Edwards, once stood. As for why: I’m honestly not sure. The theme of this issue of Maxim is “raw.” What was the rawest experience you ever had here on Earth, and why? Being born. Do the math. What are people saying over your casket? God, that man loved to tap-dance. Got any last words? Is there a bathhouse in here?
WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING OVER MY CASKET: “GOD, THAT MAN LOVED TO TAP-DANCE.”