Long-distance girlfriend jealous of boyfriend’s friendship

CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend is jealous of one of my co-workers. This co-worker is sweet (she’s married) and we share the same interest in food so we eat together. My relationship is long-distance and when I bring up any plans I may have with my co-worker, my girlfriend doesn’t hold back the snide remarks.

I’ve told her it’s not that deep, but she’ll pick it back up again the next time it comes up.

Recently my co-worker and I went to happy hour after work and I lied and told my girlfriend I was going out with someone else. I feel like I just went down a slippery slope.

I love my girlfriend very much and I have no intention of leaving this relationship over such a small thing, but I can’t help feeling I did the wrong thing.

— Slippery Slope

To bring us fully into the schoolyard, I will say: Your girlfriend started it. Expressing doubt through snide remarks is just a bad look on any adult.

Here’s her flow chart for adult behavior in the face of romantic rivalry: Does she believe you’re being unfaithful to her? Yes/No.

— If no, then she recognizes it’s her behavior that needs to change, and does the internal work. Then she either (a) makes peace with the status quo: “I’m happy you have a good friend and don’t seriously believe you’re cheating on me. I’m just frustrated she sees you more than I do and in weak moments I lash out, I’m sorry”; or (b) recognizes that dating long-distance isn’t healthy and breaks up with you.

— If yes, then she states her in idelity concerns explicitly: “I see this as an emotional affair. I feel uncomfortable with/angry about/threatened by how close you two are.” Then she weighs your response carefully, and either (a) accepts your response as adequate and drops the snark; or (b) decides your response isn’t adequate and breaks up with you.

Instead, she has chosen the path of least emotional risk: She won’t admit how vulnerable she feels, lashing out instead — but also won’t break up with you.

Your response to this has been to see your girlfriend’s cowardice and raise her some mendacity.

So here’s your adultbehavior flow chart: Is this co-worker-friendship innocent or not?

If no, then admit that to yourself and stop being disingenuous.

If yes, then: Is this friendship important enough to you to keep even when you know it bothers your girlfriend? Yes/No.

If no, then you stop seeing this friend outside of work and, for your own peace of mind, own it as your choice to do so.

If yes, then state clearly to your girlfriend once more, transparently and in full, that this colleague is a platonic friend whose company you feel entitled to enjoy as you would any male friend. Then see how your girlfriend responds.

If she tries again to have it both ways, then you break up with her.

But there’s a reason it’s about courage. It is hard to stand for who you are when you know it might cost you someone you love.