Carrying the weight of mother-in-law’s paternity secret
CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: My mother-in-law told me she questions her son’s (my husband’s) paternity. She claims her ex, his father, doesn’t know. She said she wanted me to know in case something happens to her and there’s a medical reason to know such information.
She didn’t want to tell him because she fears how it might affect her relationship with him.
I feel like I’m keeping a secret from my husband. I don’t think it’s my place to tell him though. Do I just carry the weight of this information and not say anything? Do I tell her she needs to disclose this to him or I will?
— Carrying the Weight
Explain to her, calmly and kindly, that you understand her concern that telling him might affect her relationship with her son.
However — and unfortunately — your having this knowledge and keeping it from him has already started to affect your relationship with her son.
And you can’t have that. You can’t hold her secret — one you never asked for — in your marriage.
Once you spell out the problem for her, then, yes, you say she needs to tell him or you will. I’m sorry you’re on this spot.
Dear Carolyn:
I know how you feel about snooping, but now that I have snooped, I don’t know what to do with the disturbing info.
We have been married 30 years and have two grown children. To the outside world we are “perfect.”
He is very attentive and we have an active sex life.
But ... you knew something was coming. He had been communicating with a woman. Naked pics from her. It seems she is the aggressor, but he is an active participant.
He denies anything but friendship. He is not aware I’ve seen the texts. I know my choices, really, but just need someone to talk to.
— Help
Then really talk to someone. Your concern for “the outside world” (which it probably doesn’t deserve, but that’s a separate battle) suggests you talk to a therapist for the confidentiality alone.
A good therapist can also help you igure out what to do next, why you’re here in the irst place — including what drove you to snoop — and how to tell your husband what you did. “Soon” is what I recommend, unless he’s abusive, in which case safety displaces integrity as your top priority.
But that leakproof room is what I recommend most: In it, you can practice saying difficult things — out loud, when you need to say them — instead of sneaking in through the back door.