Should a man with no kids get involved with a single mom?

Dear Carolyn: Is it advisable for a never-married man with no kids to get involved with a single mother? I know it’s never a good idea to generalize, but the answer I hear most often is an emphatic no, for many reasons. The main one is the man will always be a lower priority than the woman’s children, and there’s also potential drama with the woman’s ex. There is also the asymmetry in life experiences of a single mother and a never-married man with no kids.

— Dating

I advise your own advice: “It’s never a good idea to generalize.”

(1) Millions of children live with their biological mother and a stepfather. Do you really think they’re an “emphatic” 0-for-millions on happiness?

(2) Couples who have children, however they get there, always accept some responsibility for making that child a higher priority. A minor child’s last line of defense in the world is the adult guardian. Sometimes the circumstances and the child’s needs dictate that Mom overrules Dad, Dad overrules Mom, spouse overrules spouse, or one or both parents overrule their own needs. Should you become a stepfather, you might have to prioritize your stepchild’s needs over the mother’s/your wife’s. That’s parenthood.

(3) “Amicable” and “split” do sometimes agree to be seen together in the same sentence. Some exes also are mature enough to be co-parents without dysfunction.

(4) Asymmetry happens. Do you love the mom? Do you want to be a parent to her kids? Are you humble enough to admit what you don’t know, invested enough to learn, and flexible enough to withstand jagged ups and downs without losing your nerve? Mind? OK then.

Please know, I have zero interest in talking anyone into being a parent or stepparent. It has to be what you want, fully and freely.

But that’s why it’s so important for you to think it through carefully, and choose.

Dear Carolyn: As a little girl I asked my mother if Santa is real or fantasy, and she chose to say he really exists. A few hours later I found out he is fantasy.

I felt betrayed and never trusted my mother again. It did permanent harm.

When I had sons, I told them from the beginning that Santa is make-believe and it’s nice to pretend he really exists.

I think it is plain stupid to let children believe in something that is not true.

— B.

Fair enough. I was uncomfortable with it as a mom myself.

But humor me: How (emotionally) smart is it to hold a lifelong grudge against someone for, at worst, a clumsy attempt to extend your childhood innocence a little bit longer? And using culturally prevalent means to do it, at that? She didn’t make it all up herself just to mess with your head.

Maybe in the spirit of also-made-up Baby New Year, embrace rebirth and forgive her.