Should mom leave son with his dad to take far-f lung job?

CAROLYN HAX

Miami Herald (Sunday) - - Tropical Sunday - BY DR. PATTY KHULY khu­[email protected]­south.net BY CAROLYN HAX [email protected]­post.com

Q: My cat Stewy likes to chew on plas­tic. I do my best to keep things away from him but you’d be sur­prised at how much

Dear Carolyn: I im­mi­grated to marry a man I’d dated for four years. It was an in­cred­i­bly abu­sive re­la­tion­ship and I in­ally man­aged to leave af­ter 11 years. I was un­em­ployed and with­out fam­ily or friends.

Af­ter two years I’ve found an amaz­ing job and have done bril­liant work in my com­mu­nity. I’m lit­er­ally re­ceiv­ing awards for my work. Our 12-year-old child has not only ad­justed but thrived. We co-par­ent well and ac­tu­ally main­tain a very solid friend­ship. I’m even friends with his new part­ner. I’m sur­rounded by lov­ing friends and “found” fam­ily. I’m in a lov­ing, sup­port­ive re­la­tion­ship.

All in all life is per­fect. But. I’ve been of­fered my dream job 12 hours away. Dur­ing our di­vorce we agreed our child has a say in his liv­ing sit­u­a­tion should I move. I’m pretty con ident he will choose to stay in his home­town, but hope­ful he will choose to move with me.

I’ve made peace with it. The lo­gis­tics aren’t that hard to man­age. But I feel guilty. So­ci­ety judges ab­sent moth­ers so harshly. I’m wor­ried about him hav­ing the sup­port and com­pas­sion he needs.

I’m wor­ried I’m aban­don­ing him and he will end up with weird is­sues.

I feel justi ied af­ter so many years of abuse and sacri ice that I de­serve to chase my own dreams.

But am I be­ing sel ish?

— Woman on Hold

First: Se­ri­ously?

You have an amaz­ing job and lov­ing friends and “found” fam­ily and your child is thriv­ing and you’re in love and you’re a ... “Woman on Hold”?

They’re your feel­ings to feel, but I see room for you to re­frame your view of your life, if you wanted to.

As you did just a few para­graphs prior, with, “per­fect.”

I also don’t think it’s pos­si­ble to make “peace with it” and “feel guilty” and be “wor­ried,” all about the same move.

Just facts: The price you pay for a bad de­ci­sion here won’t be charged to your pub­lic-image ac­count — it’ll come straight from your kid’s emo­tional health.

Yet, as you de­scribe your de­ci­sion, it will take ei­ther his mother or his fa­ther out of your son’s day-to-day life, be­cause “I de­serve to chase my own dreams.” How is this not sel ish? That’s not a rhetor­i­cal ques­tion; my ad­vice for you is to an­swer it.

If you re­ally are just talk­ing about dream-ful ill­ment be­yond your cur­rent per­fec­tion, then your de­ci­sion feels heav­ily op­tional.

The chances you’ll have other dreamy ca­reer op­por­tu­ni­ties, es­pe­cially if you’re “bril­liant” at it: ex­cel­lent.

The chances your child will have an­other crack at child­hood: zero.

You’re also dump­ing a horri ic choice on your child. Who, pre­sum­ably, has just found sta­bil­ity af­ter be­ing put through a wringer by his par­ents’ abu­sive mar­riage and di­vorce.

One promis­ing el­e­ment is that you’re even torn about it. You don’t say so your­self, but your peaceguilt-worry pret­zel does.

Of course, the only one whose vote counts is your son.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from USA

© PressReader. All rights reserved.