Marriage begins to unravel after their kids fly the coop

CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn: After 30 years of marriage, my wife and I have come to the realization that we have nothing in common. It hasn’t always been this way. Even with our cultural differences — my wife emigrated from Central America at 20; I’m third-generation Japanese American — there was an instant connection. We had kids right away and were always in agreement about how to raise them.

As the kids grew up and moved out, our problems became more apparent.

She can be self-centered and controlling, and gets very upset if things don’t go her way. We can’t dance at parties because she only wants to dance her way.

There were early signs. When we irst started living together, she would complain if I read a book while she watched Spanish-language TV.

My wife also doesn’t show any interest in things I like. Even though I don’t speak Spanish well, I have fun watching her soap operas and going to Spanish-language concerts. If I try to talk to her about current events, sports, movies or music, I’m met with indifference.

Therapy hasn’t helped. I think I’ve made changes; my wife doesn’t feel like she needs to change.

We’ve talked about divorce, but it seems like we should be able to work through this. There are no deal-breaking issues, just a lack of communication.

— Looking for Something More

I’d say there’s an excess of communication.

At least, there is plenty on the negative and futile end of the scale.

You are trying and trying to converse — on news, sports, arts, and in therapy — and in the process communicating your hopes of converting her into a chatty companion. Your efforts to share her interests and meet her needs communicate this, too, in their ways.

She, for her part, is communicating with you all over the place. The emotional outbursts, the indifference to your conversation attempts, and the stubborn resistance to change are all forms of communication and her message is clear: She is available to you strictly as-is, so don’t look for anything different from her.

Whether this is healthy, good or kind, and whether you like this about her, are all apparently beside her point. As-is. Take-leave.

So my advice is to move yourself to the positive and productive end of the scale with full knowledge of her as-is terms. Since she’s not budging, anything that hinges on her changing the way she does things is not productive and therefore is out. Your dwelling on what you and she no longer talk about or share? That’s negative, so that’s out.

What’s in: Dance your way, warmheartedly. And look for what she does offer you now. Find what pleasures you can in your present reality.

Explore this positive and productive side of the scale, as transparently as any marriage deserves, then assess: Can you live happily in a marriage built out of the material you have, versus the material you keep trying in vain to get?