Dealing with long-distance fiancee’s punitive behavior
CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: I am in a long-distance relationship and I recently had a birthday. My iancee is working overseas, and on my birthday, she never got to wish me a happy birthday. She didn’t forget. When I asked her about it, she claimed she was angry at a conversation we had the previous night, yet we had left off saying “I love you” to each other. She claims she was sad and angry the whole day of my birthday, yet she acknowledged working, swimming and going to a work party after.
I wished her a happy birthday exactly on her date.
The conversation that she claims got her upset was when I called her and she wanted to pass her phone to one of her work colleagues who I don’t know to say hi, and I refused. This was unsettling given I need all her attention while conversing as we are far from each other.
She later apologized and sent me a birthday wish three days late. Please assist with how to go about this.
— M.
So: You’re bean-counting “happy birthdays” (how old are you?); she’s grudgewithholding one (how old is she?); you’re questioning the sincerity of her explanation (she “claimed” anger), and also beancounting her conduct (one can’t swim while sad and angry, who knew); she’s handing you off during phone calls to people you don’t even know
(so obnoxious), and she’s simmering for days over your objection to that (seriously?); and you’re saying you “need,” ugh, “all her attention,” which, unless she’s operating on your brain, you just don’t, so declaring you do is possessiveness unchecked.
Some irrational fears are to be ... if not expected, then at least understood and put into perspective in long-distance relationships, because distance is dif icult under the best of circumstances.
But this is more than “some.” And it’s not just that you’re both ighting petty; the battles you’re choosing are petty, too.
So my advice is, in ascending order of signi icance:
(1) Breathe. This relationship will either work or it won’t.
(2) Release any and all specific expectations of this time apart. A mishandled birthday, an unsatisfying call, some unwelcome suspense, release it all. It can even help to make two ists, for real, then exhale and open your hands. Create the physical template.
(3) Ask yourself why she responds punitively when you try to assert yourself. You say no to her passing you around via phone = she fumes for days. You’re sad about the birthday snub = it’s on you for making her angry. Red-flag stuff.
(4) Ask yourself why you feel so insecure that you’re trying to micromanage things. (Also red-flagged.) If you’re just worried she’ll leave you, then keep this in mind: A bad breakup is pain from a one-time source, like surgery; a bad relationship is everyday and inde inite, like torture.
(5) Breathe. This relationship will either work or it won’t.