Woman has no interest in shower for her ‘rainbow baby’

CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn: I am happily transitioning into my third trimester of a rainbow pregnancy [a pregnancy after a loss]. I ... don’t want a baby shower. There are a lot of reasons.

I don’t have any problem with others who have loved their baby showers, I just don’t want one.

My husband, family, friends and co-workers think this is ludicrous, and I am missing out on a key life-transition experience.

They chastise me that babies are expensive, and that I’ll regret it later.

Am I depriving people who just want to celebrate? Or is it ine for me to just smile and say, “I’m not going to have a baby shower right now, but I’d love to get together with you!”

— Six Months and Counting

Your husband, family, friends, co-workers and any well-meaning others need to butt right out. Immediately. So please tell your husband this explicitly, and ask him please to get the word out to others.

The pressure for you to say yes to a shower you don’t want would be inappropriate under any circumstances, but it is particularly frustrating when you’re sorting through bigger emotional stuff.

You don’t seem to be on the path to regrets about going party-free.

But if you do surprise yourself with second thoughts, then there’s a much easier remedy available to you than the preemptive stress of a grudging “yes”: a shower after the baby is born. Only if and only when you want it.

Dear Carolyn: I’ve always dreamed of writing a book. Not the great American novel, but of the ictional-romance genre using my personal memoirs as a basis — sexy, but not porn. I have enough plot lines to do a few books. There were many men in my life, as I married late.

My husband is very private and I am an open book. He doesn’t support the new career and wants me to consider writing something less controversial. My plan was to use an assumed name but even this doesn’t placate him.

Now he won’t even discuss it with me. Should I continue and publish without his knowledge?

— Stymied

First, it’s wonderful that you’re an “open book” and lived many sexy story lines; good for you. However, it would have been just as easy for you to write erotica without spelling out for your “very private” husband that you’re basically writing your sexual memoirs. It’s not dishonest to be discreet.

Second, you are under no obligation to compromise your artistic vision — and this isn’t about avoiding consequences, it’s about choosing the ones you can live with. Maybe you’re ready to bare all and bear all. But a pseudonym is reasonable accommodations for your husband’s concerns. Is he willing to meet you partway as well, giving up something he’d prefer in order to meet your needs? And if not, then does that change your math at all toward what you’re willing to give up for him?