Mom worries about the effect of her at-home parent status

CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn: I am an at-home parent to two daughters. We had planned for me to go back to work when they were both in school, but the job market made that prohibitively tough, so I’m still home.

My girls understand this is my “career.” My own mom stayed home with us kids; I know I took her for granted, and I see that I will have to continually remind my girls not to do the same thing. For example, I am often asked to drive all over at a moment’s notice, and sometimes I say no on principle.

My girls have asked whether they will also stay home when they’re adults. I try to give the “right” answer, that they should do what they believe is right for themselves and their families. However, I am worried that I am modeling at-home motherhood as the default.

And if I am being honest, I would prefer they not stay home when they grow up. We are making student loan payments on two degrees I’m not using, while trying to sock away money for my daughters to earn degrees of their own. All the work we are putting into them is in hopes they will probably have professional careers.

I wish I could say this, but I don’t want them to start looking at me as “less than.” I want them to achieve more than I have, without looking down on me. How?

— Walking the Tightrope

You teach them that it’s not OK to look down on anybody.

Teach them the honor of work. Teach them the value of contributing, and the diversity of worth.

Child-rearing is plainly dif icult enough and important enough to justify making a career of it.

You are right to use

“no” to teach your kids to respect your time and effort. Go further, please, if you don’t already, and insist they also treat teachers, classroom aides, principals, coaches, cafeteria staff, custodians, specialists, bus drivers, (grand)parent volunteers, receptionists, substitute teachers, and peers — at all status levels — with equal respect.

To master this teaching, you might want to practice on yourself. Is the point of your parental efforts really so your daughters “will probably have professional careers”?

Or is it so they have choices?

There’s the disconnect that I see in your reasoning, that has you so conflicted. It’s not at-home parenthood that’s the problem, nor is occupancy of the management class regardless of their interest in being there would be any kind of solution.

The problem is that you feel powerless — and you want your girls to have agency.

If I’m right about that, then reconcile it in your mind and adapt your “right” answer accordingly: “I want what you do as adults to be your choice.” Also openly connect what you give to them, ask of them and expect of them to the long-term goal of expanding their minds.