It’s unanimous: Dump the jealous girlfriend immediately
CAROLYN HAX
Carolyn Hax is away. The following irst appeared June 12 and 15, 2005.
Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend, “Amy,” is extremely paranoid, and more than once she has accused me of sleeping with a co-worker, “Jane.” Jane has become a close friend and we enjoy each other’s company. I have done everything
I can to show Amy I am true: I don’t talk with Jane outside work, I don’t go into work when she’s there (unless I have to), and I have removed Jane’s phone number from my phone. I have even started looking for another job, just so I am not around Jane!
I thought this ixed the problem, but during a disagreement on a completely separate subject, Amy brings up Jane again. This makes me believe Amy will be happy only if I stop being friends with Jane.
However, I refuse to do this because I believe it sets a precedent where she can demand I give up a great job, or time with my family, or whatever. I just don’t know what to do, and her behavior is making me think I shouldn’t be with her. I have asked numerous friends and family for advice. Sadly, it was unanimous: Dump her. I think they don’t like her, so I thought I would ask you.
— Going Nuts
If you stop being friends with Jane, then Amy will be jealous of Kate. If you restructure your life to avoid in-person encounters with any women besides Amy, Amy will furtively check your phone records. If you and Amy are the lone inhabitants of a desert isle and she witnesses you throwing your phone into the sea, Amy will accuse you of having a second phone hidden somewhere.
Amy’s problem isn’t Jane, it’s Amy.
Your problem isn’t Amy, it’s you: for remaining with someone so insecure, and for shopping around for an answer that gets you out of having to tell your volatile girlfriend you’re through.
Dear Carolyn: When my boyfriend and I got together last spring, we each professed our commitment to stringlessness. When we graduated, we moved to different ends of the country with no intention of continuing our relationship.
A few months of emailing later, he left his new city and moved in with me. Now it’s seven months later, and I think he’s getting ready to leave. There’s nothing keeping him here but me — he hasn’t found a job yet, his name isn’t on the lease, and he’s never made any promises or declarations of love.
I don’t want to ask him if he’s leaving, because I don’t feel ready to hear the answer.
I’m usually fairly invulnerable, but the trappings of intimacy got me this time. How do I deal with this?
— Stressed in New
England
When love gets rationalized down to “trappings of intimacy,” it’s time for a new rationale. Repeat after me: “I love you, and I don’t want you to leave.” An actual feeling has to be better than a treatise on one, even when it’s pain, even when it’s on the chin.