After mother-in-law’s funeral, I found out she never liked me

Carolyn Hax is away. The following irst appeared Nov. 23, 2005.

Dear Carolyn: My mother-in-law passed away suddenly this year. After the funeral, a drunk, grieving family member let me know that my

MIL never liked me. Looking back, it makes a lot of sense — she was far from the nightmare MIL some people have, but she wasn’t ever very nice or welcoming.

So, I have found myself secretly relieved I don’t have to deal with her anymore, while I’m dreading helping my husband and the rest of the family get through his irst holiday season without his mom. How do you come to peace with not liking someone who is much loved and no longer living?

— Guilty

Guilty: Well, you’re already most of the way there: You have the maturity to keep your hurtful feelings private. Which might be a trait your husband found attractive because it reminded him of his mom.

She managed to dislike you to the end of her days without your ever being the wiser. She wasn’t “very nice or welcoming,” yes, but had she been cuddly, then she would have been a hypocrite. Instead she was, apparently, civil and discreet enough for you not to notice that you were the reason she needed to make an effort to remain civil and discreet.

Which brings us to the point of this massive rationalization: that you can begin to ind peace by inding some good in her: “You disliked me, but I can respect how you handled it.” Seriously. Try. Once you’ve got the reconciliation out of the way, even a grudging one, you’ll be more willing to see in her what the people who loved her all saw. And, even better, to see how she produced a person you love. And that’s how you get through.

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