I want to adopt rather than give birth, but boyfriend wants own kids

Hi, Carolyn: Early on in dating, I let my boyfriend know that I preferred adoption to giving birth. I have several reservations about health and body image throughout and after pregnancy, and I’d prefer to adopt a child that exists already.

My boyfriend came to realize he wants biological children, with some anecdotal bias against adopting. We’ve been concerned about our future together ever since, given that we would part ways if we don’t come to at least a compromise. Out of being childfree, surrogacy, pregnancy and adoption, none of these are mutually satisfactory.

I was wondering if you have any suggestions to help us gain a better understanding of our options toward eventually making a decision.

— Doomed?

Doomed: I struggle with this, too. On the one hand, each of you is entitled to choose a path that feels right, and to make decisions about your future accordingly. Family planning is part of who we are.

On the other hand, choice does not correlate one-to-one with the outcome of any life plan, particularly where familybuilding is involved. Stuff happens — and, sometimes, stuff doesn’t.

So where I’ve landed is somewhere in between, where you talk about your general vision of what you hope for and use that as a way to get to know and also decide on someone as a possible life partner — but also recognize that the only thing for sure is you. You have you, and the rest is contingent.

One step out from that, what you have is you and your partner, for as long as the partnership lasts. Anything else is one or two or multiple rings out from this center.

That means that you should choose a partner only if you would still choose that person if kids didn’t happen, for whatever reason.

If you would choose this person with or without the possibility of a family, then you get into how you want a potential family to be built.

Each of you has to do this. If you wouldn’t marry each other knowing you would have no children together, then the rest seems academic to me.