Armed COVID-19 protesters most concerned about tattoos, beer
An absolutely true news item: Men carrying shotguns and assault rifles showed up to defend an East Texas tattoo parlor when it reopened in defiance of the state’s COVID-19 restrictions.
Well done, armed patriots!
This is exactly what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they wrote the Second Amendment — defending fundamental American freedoms from Big Government.
You, my brothers, are the true unsung heroes of this so-called pandemic.
While the media ramble on adoringly about the so-called heroism of front-line doctors, nurses, police officers and paramedics, you bold warriors put your lives on the line to preserve our inalienable right to ink our biceps with a topless succubus riding a flame-breathing Harley — anytime we want, anywhere we want.
Damn right!
But, honestly, the optics of the event could have been better.
I’ve got a few notes — minor suggestions, really — so that we’ll be taken more seriously next time.
For starters, I was thinking we probably didn’t need the walkietalkies. There were only five of us, after all, and we stood together the whole time.
And, as you might have noticed, I ended up muting my own walkie-talkie because I’d made the mistake of giving one to my kids, who kept beeping the Call button and making loud farting noises.
I also believe there would be benefits in both style and comfort if our camouflage ammo vests were professionally fitted. I myself had major chafing issues the other day outside the tattoo parlor — apparently I’ve put on a few pounds since I bought the thing back in ’93 at that Desert Storm surplus auction.
Although we successfully attracted some media, our mission to form an “armed perimeter” around the tattoo parlor was somewhat compromised by our low turnout. It was more an armed lingering, since we barely had enough men to surround a Porta Potty.
Which brings me to an emotional subject: our weapons. I know what you’re thinking — what’s the point of owning an AR-15 or even a 12-gauge riot gun if you can’t flash it in public every once in a while and freak the f--- out of people?
The problem — judging by some of the feedback online — is that lots of folks are saying that we’re using the pandemic crisis as an excuse to strut around and show off our heavy firearms, and that it demeans the victims of COVID-19 and the healthcare workers who are actually risking their own lives.
Now, brothers, we know our motives are pure. We stand as armed crusaders for the Constitution, battling tyrannical forces that have shut down this nation for no other reason than to save a few hundred thousand lives.
We need to spread the message that we’re not a bunch of bored rednecks just trying to get some macho TV time. We don’t display our weapons to battle the coronavirus (unfortunately, you can’t shoot it with ordinary bullets); we display our guns to protect endangered American values.
It’s not surprising that our courageous stance has put us at odds with law enforcement. For instance, recently some of you were arrested for trying to reopen a bar in Odessa.
While you were smart not to start a firefight with the local deputies, the photo that was published nationwide didn’t do much for our movement, PRwise. Again, the ammo vests were so ill-fitting that they made it difficult to fully raise your hands when you were ordered to do so.
In spite of the ridicule, we continue to believe that our highcaliber show of force provides relief to business owners who are already facing financial devastation from coronavirus closures.
They know we’re not there to frighten their customers, because nothing says “Hi, we’re open! Come on in!” like a cordon of total strangers toting semiautomatics.
Finally, I want to thank those of you who’ve been wearing face coverings to these events. We don’t do this because we don’t want to be recognized, or because our families are mortified.
No, we cover our faces because we deeply care about the people of Texas, even those who listen to all these so-called medical experts. Also, we do it just in case the experts are right.
And, as a bonus, wearing a camo hunting mask while carrying an AR-15 make us look super badass.
So, brothers, as we grow this Perimeters-R-Us militia, go out and tell the business community that we (and our guns) are locked, loaded and available for premature re-openings.
Speaking of which, we’ve had no luck getting Target or Walmart to return our calls. Any ideas?