She’s hurt that daughter was excluded by friend’s parents

Dear Carolyn: I heard my teenage daughter this evening tell her friend she thinks another friend’s parents just do not like her. It broke my heart.

She thinks it is because the parents are very strict. Both parents I believe work at highly stressful federal jobs. They would allow their daughter to hang out with only one other mutual friend, which originally hurt my daughter’s feelings. I heard things like, “The parents are letting only one other friend to go running with her, not me,” and she was so sad. Now she feels like they just do not like her.

During this pandemic emotions are running high. I am particularly fed up with these parents.

How should I approach this? It does seem like parents are overly cautious and immature. Just rude. My husband says ignore, you are only hearing this from the side of a 15-yearold. I, on the other hand, would like to send a note to the parents explaining how hurtful they are. What do you think?

— S.

S.: Your daughter, who sounds like a typical adolescent with typical emotional volatility, needs you to handle this better than she does.

That includes making it clear to her that these are stressful times for everybody; that people’s circumstances vary, and so some families need to be stricter than others; that the understanding of COVID-19 has evolved and the messaging is tainted by politics, so even people with identical circumstances and risktolerances can feel reasonable in drawing different conclusions; and that not getting what we want can hurt but it doesn’t mean we always have to react.

So: “I know it hurts. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.”

And then: “But ‘this’ might not be exactly as you perceive it.” Her friend’s parents are probably like the rest of us, trying their best under extremely difficult conditions — trying to give their daughter some social relief when they’ve been told even this one accommodation isn’t safe.

There’s not much upside to a pandemic, but it’s an excellent opportunity for you to set an example, to teach her the nearly magic benefits of considering multiple points of view and learning not to take things personally.

Your daughter knows only one thing for a fact, that just the one friend was allowed in this family’s bubble. Right? So that leaves plenty of room for her to classify her exclusion not as a massive personal insult, but instead as a bad break.

If it ever comes to the point where someone crosses a line into mistreating your child, and it’s significant enough to warrant intervening on her behalf, please even then don’t “send a note to the parents explaining how hurtful they are,” not without the due diligence of getting your facts straight. Engage with people calmly. Ask questions without presuming the answers.