Grandmother’s taste in kids’ clothes leans toward ‘psychotic clown’

Dear Carolyn: Can you help me come up with a way to tell my mother-inlaw that while we appreciate her generosity, she has hilariously terrible taste in children’s clothing and we would like her to stop picking things out? She already gives us an unreal number of toys and books, so I can’t redirect there, and she is pretty easily offended, so I can’t just come out and say “Hey, we love you, we appreciate you, please stop trying to dress the kids like psychotic clowns.”

— Family

Family: No, there’s nothing you can do. Unless the kids are old enough for you to say to her, with a straight face, that they like to pick out their own clothes so buying for them isn’t a good bet anymore.

Otherwise you just say oh-gosh-thanks and consign or donate them. If/ when she notices they’re not wearing them, then you go with the line about their choosing their own clothes now and [stage shrug] what’s a parent to do?

Dear Carolyn: Re: Psychotic clowns: Isn’t it dishonest to not tell the mother-in-law you don’t intend on dressing your kids in the clothes she continually buys? She’s spending her money on these gifts, so turning around to give them away seems disingenuous. If it’s one or two things each year, that’s easier to let go. Dress them up in the clothes, take a picture for Grandma, then donate. But if she’s bringing things once a month or more, that’s a lot of money that she’s spending, and it doesn’t seem right to accept something if it won’t get used.

Maybe redirecting her to clothes the children would like, or that are currently missing from their wardrobe, would help. Or suggest that you already have the clothes covered so experiences with the mother-in-law are something the kids would enjoy more and help make lasting memories.

— Anonymous

Anonymous: Those are fine suggestions, and the parent should try them — but, you know what? The main problem isn’t that the mother-in-law is being lied to, it’s that she is “easily offended,” which creates an environment where healthy truth-telling is punishable by her emotional acting out.