DAVE BARRY YEAR IN REVIEW
occurs.
In the worsening environmental crisis, marine biologists report that the Gibraltar orca gang has robbed a liquor store. And the crisis worsens still further in...
SEPTEMBER
...when global climate change causes water to fall from the sky — a phenomenon that environmental scientists have dubbed “rain” — and land on the Burning Man festival, turning the dirt into “mud,” which delays the exit of the attendees for several days and raises the very real threat that they might run low on drugs. Disaster is averted when FEMA air-drops an emergency humanitarian shipment of Teslas to the stricken area.
In political news, the big story is in the House of Representatives, where Republicans decide to launch an impeachment inquiry into President Biden on the legally sound constitutional grounds that IT’S PAYBACK TIME, BABY. Democrats denounce the move, arguing that there is “no evidence” that Biden did anything wrong, or if he did, that he remembers doing it.
In other Biden family news, a federal grand jury indicts Hunter on charges of impersonating an artist.
Meanwhile a dramatic fiscal crisis looms as Congress, whose main job is to produce a budget, is once again unable to produce a budget, thus bringing the federal government perilously close to shutting down — a very bad and scary thing that has never before happened in the nation’s history except for the 10 previous times that it happened. At the last minute, a stopgap funding measure is passed, giving Congress breathing room to do nothing about the budget until it’s time for the next dramatic fiscal crisis.
A tense 14-day manhunt in suburban Philadelphia for escaped murderer Danelo Cavalcante finally comes to an end when he is subdued by a 4-year-old Belgian Malinois police dog named Yoda, who instantly surges to the top of the presidential-preference polls of both major parties. In sports, the “Chiefs” play the “Bears” in a game of baseball, or football — it definitely involves a ball — but the important thing is TAYLOR SWIFT IS THERE because her most recent boyfriend is an end receiver or something and they show her on TV like 600 times OMG YOU GUYS.
In other entertainment news, the Writers Guild reaches a tentative agreement with the entertainment industry under which from now on there will be only one streaming service, which viewers can access by means of a single remote control with clearly labeled buttons that even an older adult can understand, and you get the whole shebang for one reasonable monthly charge that is clearly stated and easy to cancel.
Ha ha! We are of course joking. The entertainment industry will not rest until the number of streaming services exceeds the U.S. population. Also there will come a day when you cannot flush your toilet without “two-factor authentication.”
Speaking of alarming developments, in...
OCTOBER
...conflict erupts between two bitter foes, ancient enemies whose intractable hatred for each other has defied all efforts to resolve the historic differences between them: House Republicans and other House Republicans.
The trouble starts when a renegade group of eight GOP representatives, guided by political strategist Dottie Weisenflanker, join with the Democrats to oust Kevin McCarthy as speaker, thereby negating the only solid legislative achievement the House Republicans have managed to pull off this year. They then proceed with Phase Two of their shrewd master plan, which is: They have no earthly idea.
For the next several weeks the House Republicans join with other House Republicans in a concerted effort to demonstrate to the American public that in a time of crisis, when serious leadership is desperately needed, they have the collective IQ of a flatworm. Despite multiple votes on a series of unsuccessful candidates — including, at one point, Yoda the hero police dog — the Republicans cannot agree on a speaker, thus paralyzing the House and preventing it from carrying on the crucial work of not doing anything about the budget. Meanwhile under the constitutional rules of succession, the speakership vacancy means that the next person in line for the presidency after Vice President Harris is somebody called the “President pro tempore,” and it turns out that nobody in Washington knows who that is, although there is speculation that it might be Wolf Blitzer.
Finally, after weeks of humiliating ineptitude, the Republicans manage to elect a new speaker, an individual named “Mike Johnson” who wasn’t on anybody’s list, and in fact isn’t even a member of Congress. He was delivering a pizza to the Capitol and seemed at least marginally competent — all the toppings were correct — so they made him speaker.
So the Republicans are a pathetic joke. This should be good for the Democrats, but they have big problems of their own. The public is increasingly dissatisfied with the Biden administration, which has based its appeal to the voters on four major claims:
1. Inflation is no longer a problem.
2. The border is under control.
3. The president is fully capable, physically and mentally, of carrying out his duties for another full term.
4. The Moon is actually a giant spaceship controlled by an alien race of highly intelligent rutabagas.
Polls show that the public is deeply skeptical of these claims, especially the first three. In fact the voters are skeptical of pretty much everything happening in Washington, and increasingly pessimistic about the future; it is a worrisome time in America. Fortunately, the international outlook is more promising, especially in the often-volatile Middle East, which lately has been unusually peacef ....
Never mind.
In sports, the Kansas City Taylor Swifts play several more exciting games of ball and take a commanding lead in the standings with 738 million Instagram followers. Meanwhile the World Series involves two participating teams, neither of which, for the 14th consecutive year, is the New York Yankees.
Speaking of bloated New York City entities, in...
NOVEMBER
... Donald Trump goes on trial on
charges that he fraudulently exaggerated the value of his real-estate properties. He heatedly denies this, testifying under oath that he is a hugely successful businessperson worth trillions of dollars with a measured IQ of 370 who can bench-press 900 pounds and won 63 states in the 2020 presidential election SO WHY WOULD HE NEED TO EXAGGERATE??
Another New York City trial ends with FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried facing up to 115 years in prison after a jury finds him guilty of styling his hair with a defective Roomba.
For some reason Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis and California Gov. Gavin Newsom face off in a televised debate, each aggressively criticizing the other’s policies for 90 minutes and ultimately creating the overwhelming impression that both states suck.
On the international front, President Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping meet in San Francisco amid mounting tension between the two superpowers over Taiwan sovereignty, the fentanyl epidemic and the presence of 300 Chinese battle tanks on the Golden Gate Bridge, which the Chinese government claims are engaged in “agriculture.” After a conversation described by both sides as “verbal,” the Chinese leader presents Biden, as a ceremonial gift, with a specially made “lucky friendship wristwatch,” which Xi stresses the president should wear “at all times, especially during meetings.”
In entertainment news, the Rolling Stones announce plans for a new tour, to be sponsored — really — by AARP (Official Motto: “AARP! It’s the Last Sound You Make Before You Die”). The venerable rockers will travel to 16 North American cities and perform a three-hour show, including two 45-minute bathroom breaks.
As the month draws to a close, Americans briefly pause from their hectic, overcommercialized, hyper-online lives to spend Thanksgiving surrounded by loved ones buying discounted merchandise on the Internet. President Biden continues a lighthearted Thanksgiving tradition by “pardoning” two lucky turkeys, Liberty and Bell. The president then attempts to shake hands with Liberty before aides escort him from the room for what a White House spokesperson describes as “an important thing.”
Speaking of important, in a major event that begins in late November and continues into...
DECEMBER
...tens of thousands of world leaders, government ministers, deputy ministers, deputy assistant ministers, acting deputy assistant ministers, vice acting deputy assistant ministers, aides, lackeys, business executives, security personnel, activists, protesters, event planners, personal chefs, masseuses and many, many other concerned individuals gather in Dubai — all of them traveling there by bicycle — for COP28, the big conference held every year by the United Nations to fix global climate change. This year’s conference is hosted by the United Arab Emirates, which — as a nation whose massive wealth comes from selling oil and gas — naturally has a keen interest in persuading the rest of the world to use less oil and gas. After many productive speeches, declarations, demonstrations and catered events, everybody pedals home to start making plans for COP29, because this darned global climate change is not going to fix itself.
In Washington, the House of Representatives votes to expel George Santos in response to a House Ethics Committee report concluding that he was running a meth lab in the cloakroom.
No, we’re kidding. We think.
Taylor Swift is named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year in recognition of the fact that she is the first female entertainer in history to lead the NFL in both rushing yards and quarterback sacks.
Tesla is forced to recall more than two million cars after a review by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration finds that, because of a glitch in the software, Teslas placed in autopilot mode will sometimes spontaneously, without warning, attempt to mate with non-electric vehicles.
“We think this is where hybrids come from,” states an NHTSA official.
As the year draws to a close and the holiday season arrives, families across the nation and around the world pause in their busy lives to pray — as people have prayed for more than 2,000 years — that their flights will not be canceled. The economy gets a welcome boost from strong retail sales, led by the high demand for the year’s hottest holiday item, black-market Ozempic, which explains why Santa Claus is down to 135 pounds.
Finally, mercifully, 2023 comes to an end, making way for the new year, which – barring some previously unforeseen effect of global climate change — will be 2024. This means we’re about to have another presidential election, an event that is generating the same level of enthusiasm in the American voting public as getting a colonoscopy at Jiffy Lube. Because if the polls are right, we’re going to wind up nominating the same two candidates as last time. And if the polls are right, we don’t really want either one.
In other words, if the polls are right, we, as a nation, are insane.
But does that mean the situation is hopeless? After all, things can change. We can’t rule out the possibility that somehow, in the coming year, a new leader will emerge — someone confident, someone decisive, someone unafraid to take bold action.
We are referring, of course, to Dottie Weisenflanker.
So to answer our own question: Yes, the situation is hopeless.
But Happy New Year anyway.