Parents need to be on the same page to address child’s meltdowns

Dear Carolyn: My usually calm daughter, 6, has recently started melting down every time something doesn’t go her way. My spouse and I can’t igure out the best way to handle it. He says I’m too easy on her because I want to talk it out and give her chances to practice saying things appropriately. I think he’s too hard on her because he goes directly to timeouts in her room. We can’t seem to put up a united front here and everyone gets frustrated. Do you have any suggestions? — Quieting the Drama

(1) Both of you read, “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk.”

(2) Both of you update what you ask of and expect from your daughter to reflect her current skills and abilities. A 6 who is treated like a 3 is going to lose her mind at being babied and ind other ways to feel in control. A 6 whose life is illed with things a 6 can decide for herself, however, will feel more engaged, empowered and calm.

(3) You and your husband both need to master the art of the either-or. Let your child choose everything for herself ... from a list of parentally approved choices. So it’s not, “Put your shoes on, we’re going to the park” — it’s, “We’re going to the park, do you want to wear sandals or sneakers?”

It forces you to be a step ahead of your kid, planning and anticipating, all the time, when sometimes you just want to exist and react. But it changes the environment from one where you give orders and she melts down in impotent rage and frustration, to one where she controls her little sphere and you control the big one around it, in the background.

If your daughter already has plenty of age-appropriate autonomy, and her meltdowns are just a sudden change you can’t explain, then:

(4) Run this by your pediatrician. And for the love of screaming:

(5) Get your parental acts together. The clash between his authoritarian bent and your authoritative/permissive bent (I can’t tell which without knowing how you are with consequences) will mess with your kid’s head if you don’t negotiate your way to a workable set of values.