Partner isn’t interested in proposition boyfriend accepted for them
Dear Carolyn: My signi icant other connected with a ride-share driver. Apparently the driver and the driver’s partner have certain interests in common with me and “Dave.” Though Dave told me about meeting the driver and suggested some sort of double date, I didn’t express any interest.
Later, I learned Dave had exchanged emails with the driver, and they were trying to schedule a gettogether, presumably for the four of us. I explained to Dave that I thought he was pursuing his own interest in the driver, and I wasn’t interested in making new friends under those conditions.
A couple of other factors that inform my reaction: First, Dave has engaged in similar flirtations in the past, and been called on it. Second, Dave would never approve of my engaging in a private correspondence with a near-stranger.
I’m hurt but trying not to overreact. I’d appreciate your thoughts.
— Not Interested
I feel like we’re missing a lot of information.
However, that might not matter: Does Dave really have different standards for your behavior than he does for his own? If so, then Dave’s a jerk — an other who needs to become insigni icant as soon as you can swing it.
The way to respond to someone who clamps down on you, by the way — or who “engaged” in “flirtations” — is not to clamp down on him. It’s to recognize that trusting and being trusted means you both move about freely in the world without fear, even knowing there’s always a chance, with anyone, that it could end badly for you. It’s worth holding out for, and liberating to the core.
Dear Carolyn: Any advice on how to talk to a college-bound kid about the drinking when his parents are both alcoholics? — Talking
Please look into the literature for Adult Children of Alcoholics.
And don’t underestimate the power of: “You’re the child of two alcoholic parents, so you’re at high risk for alcoholism yourself. If you’re open to it, I would like to share some resources with you. Just so you can make informed decisions.”