After husband’s death, her in-laws want to tag along on vacation
Dear Carolyn: I have an 18-month-old toddler. My husband died unexpectedly when our baby was 3 months old. Since then, my in-laws have been clingy toward me and the baby. I understand this, as they are grieving their son and do not want to lose their grandson, who they likely see as what they have left of their son. I think they are afraid I will get remarried and replace them with a different set of grandparents.
I’ve tried to be understanding because they are wonderful grandparents and they clearly loved their son, and love their grandson very much. However, this summer I am planning to take my son to my family’s summer lake house for the irst time. My family will be there as well, and I’ve been looking forward to relaxing.
My in-laws told me they want to rent a cabin on the same lake during this time. This is horrible, but I don’t want them there. My family has a routine and traditions and I don’t want to have to worry whether my in-laws are enjoying themselves or not. I don’t want to spend what should be a rejuvenating week for me compromising between two sets of families.
I love them and want them to be a part of our lives but I need to recharge in a way I can’t with them around. Is there a way I can say this to them? If no, is there a way I can salvage the vacation? — In-Law
There is a way you can say no to them — “I know you want to stay close and I love that you are so close, but I am overdue to give my family 100 percent of my attention. Thank you for understanding!”
There is also an argument for just letting them do what they need to do, and rent their cabin, because they’re no doubt utterly devastated and trying to function. With this choice, you salvage the vacation by not worrying whether they’re enjoying themselves. Just do your thing, kindly, and trust it to work out.
If they respond badly to this, then it might require one declaration of boundaries from you that is, again, kind, but also irm: “I know you want to be close to Grandchild. This is how we do things here, though, and have been for years. These are our traditions. Please respect that.”