Do we have to tell our family that we’re getting fertility treatments?

Dear Carolyn: How does a couple decide how much of their life to share with family? My husband and I have been trying for a baby for a year and are now starting fertility treatments. I feel strongly that I want to keep this as private as possible — between us, a therapist, and one or two close friends. My husband wants to share with his parents and siblings and thinks that I should also share with my family.

I understand his need for support, but I think we would be better off getting it from a professional vs. my in-laws, who will likely give us a bunch of platitudes and push fertility myths, and then somehow end up telling the rest of the extended family.

If I’m being honest, I’m also embarrassed and feel broken because the issue is on my end, and don’t need everyone knowing that.

It’s all extremely personal and sensitive, and can’t anything stay private anymore? — Don’t Need Everyone Knowing

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

I also am sorry you see yourself as “broken.” Would you say that to your friend if she were in your position? Would you call her such an ugly word, and agree she should be “embarrassed”? I don’t even know you and I know — no way.

As for reconciling your preference for privacy with your husband’s impulse to share, it’s important to get into the speci ics. He wants broad community support and you want narrow, professional support. That’s the general picture. The speci ic one for you is that you don’t want your in-laws pushing myths or sharing your news widely. That’s fair. The speci ic picture for your husband, I’m guessing, is that he doesn’t want the added weight of keeping a secret. That’s fair, too.

You both want to feel comfortable around other people as you go through this dif icult process. Maybe just talking about it on those terms will help the two of you igure out what your two visions have in common.

If you just can’t ind a level of disclosure you both can accept, then, given that your body is the one getting treated and stuck and hormone-jacked, you have the veto power here. (Again — a good-faith effort to ind a compromise.)