It’s now time to tell best friend the truth about husband’s behavior

Dear Carolyn: For years I have concealed from my best friend that her husband attempts to grope me when she is out of the room. The irst time it happened, I was in the guest room and he entered late at night and tried to kiss me, which I rejected in shock.

My friend adores this man and seems completely happy with him.

I don’t see my friend often, because she lives in a different part of the country. That’s one of the reasons I haven’t told her; stupidly I hoped it would stop happening. I also wondered if somehow I brought this on myself by being open and friendly. As well, I was sure the revelation would either destroy her happiness or would turn her against me.

I go out of my way to avoid him whenever I see my friend. Recently my friend told me I had changed, and she was questioning our friendship. She asked what had happened. Is it time to tell the truth? — Anguished Yes. I’m sorry. Embracing her while avoiding him was a valid and compassionate choice, but only if you were able to pull it off. You weren’t. Not your fault. Blame your friend’s acuity and the quality of your friendship. And, of course, the groper. So, Plan B. You tell. Telling right away the irst time would have been a valid and compassionate choice, too, by the way.

That’s because the validity and compassion lie in your intent. You kept the husband’s secret not out of cruelty, but to stay out of your friend’s marriage.

Now you’d be telling not to punish the husband, but instead to let your friend know her husband’s behavior is costing her in ways she may not realize.

Which brings us to another truth-telling you’re due for: Neither you nor anyone else invites unwelcome sexual advances by being friendly; you weren’t stupid to hope the husband would stop; you wouldn’t destroy her happiness by telling your friend what happened; you wouldn’t turn her against you.

The husband is responsible if the truth of his actions destroys his wife’s happiness.

I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s not fair. But it is your responsibility now to ill in the blanks for your friend.