After couple’s nasty divorce, their friends begin to choose sides

Dear Carolyn: We have a close circle of friends, mostly couples. One couple divorced nastily about two years ago — I never liked “Kelly” much so we were happy to keep “Jack” in the divorce. Most of the other couples in the group also ended up keeping Jack and distancing themselves from Kelly, due in part to who they were closer to, and in part due to where most of the nastiness in the divorce was coming from.

We’ll be attending a baby shower at the end of the month for another couple in our group. The mom-to-be is one of the few who remains close with Kelly, so Kelly is sure to be there. We don’t know if Jack was invited or not. Other couples will attend as well.

I’m hoping to pretty much keep my distance from Kelly. But if we do cross paths, I don’t feel like being friendlier to her than I need to be to keep the baby shower stress-free. What are your thoughts? — Running Into a

Friend’s Ex

It’s a party, so you need to be a good guest, which means polite and kind to all and no scenes with anyone. That’s your Kelly script. Polite. Civil. Party face.

For what it’s worth, and not to defend Kelly or defend nastiness of any kind in any context: Being in the wrong situation and/ or with the wrong person can bring out nastiness in people they wouldn’t necessarily express otherwise. I mention this as a back-pocket thought you can keep handy for when you run across current and future Kellys and need justi ication for remaining courteous. It’s possible what you witnessed was her cracking under the pressure of an unhappy marriage; it’s possible she hated herself for it; it’s possible she’s in a better, kinder, more self-aware place now; and therefore it’s possible that the righteous shunning you would rather lay down when you see her again would actually be misplaced.

This is dif icult to pull off and may seem like a wasted effort on someone who, chances are, doesn’t deserve it. But some of the best things happen when you bring an open mind to a new situation, and I hope Kelly’s possible personal growth is justi ication enough for your mind to open.