Son’s struggling in high school and smoking pot? Seek help now.

Dear Carolyn: Our hilarious, old soul, bit-ofa-character adolescent son hit puberty and went into a cone of silence, withdrew, now (10th grade) tanks schoolwork to the point he lost athletic eligibility. Tutor believes we should have him assessed: emotional, cognitive, neuropsychological, academic. There’s some pot use but not daily, he denies being depressed, he actually appears to work relatively hard, but has no follow through, organizational skills, focus.

The testing is not inexpensive. Should we take the plunge?

— Did We Spoil the Kid?

Take the plunge, trust the tutor, check the school’s policies and your insurance — some plans will cover neuropsych testing — and now, now, now talk to his pediatrician about the drug use, silence and school-tanking. Rally the troops.

And, humbly suggested: What your son might need to hear most is that you hear him. As adults, we fan out into a universe of interests and lifestyles, and in fact if someone so much as speculates about taking some aspect of that lifestyle away, we go bananas. Yet we funnel our kids through this chute of desks and books and X hours a day for Y days a year for Z years over which they have little to no say, and expect them to give every ounce of themselves to being the best through-chute-goers they can be. If anything, it’s a miracle the buy-in is as high as it is.

Broaden your idea of sensible attitudes accordingly.

You can understand (and tell him) that a successful run through the chute makes life easier; and that work drudgery is not exactly optional for those requiring income; and that he’s going to have to negotiate his own strengths and weaknesses to do his job, be it the job of studying or waiting tables or producing art or widgets — and still be sympathetic about his struggles in school.

And, circling back so it doesn’t get lost: call his doctor. I focused on your son getting heard, because that’s more complicated, but getting help is more urgent given the combination of marijuana and an adolescent brain.