Feeling resentful toward husband since he didn’t want a 2nd child
Dear Carolyn: My husband wanted to stop at one kid, so we did, even though I desperately wanted our son to have a sibling. Now that he is 10, I feel the lack of the imaginary sibling quite acutely. At the time, I didn’t have the energy or the presence of mind to ight my husband on family size; it’s something we really haven’t talked about since about 2010. But I ind I’m carrying around all this resentment.
What should I do, given that at this stage there is no way we would have another baby even if my husband did somehow change his mind? — Resentful
Tell him openly that you’ve been dogged lately by 2010 regrets.
It’s normal for old resentments to resurface occasionally, and it’s OK to decide not to air them all on the spot. Sometimes ghosts behave themselves and float uneventfully away.
When it’s clear they plan to linger, though, then you have two unpleasant options: Say nothing, which means you leave your partner to wonder why you’re in a mood; or speak up, which means you relive something together that tore you up the irst time.
The argument for Unpleasantness No. 2 is that at least you both get your say, which means there’s a better chance you’ll get past it.
Therapy, too, is a valid place to have these feelings out loud.
I don’t usually do this, but the way you phrased it — “there is no way we would have another baby” — I do feel compelled to add that having a baby is just one way, albeit the most common, of many ways to expand a family. And I don’t (just) mean adoption, since that’s also fairly obvious and you don’t need me to tell you it exists.
This is what I mean: Having seen friends open their homes to exchange students, billeted players, foster children, kids clearly in need but not in anyone’s system, kids of overwhelmed neighbors, their kid’s friends who just need someplace to hang out, etc., I’m happy and humbled to pass along the inspiration they’ve given me. Focus on the love you have to give, not the places you can’t give it.