Super Bowl means parties, but they’re not cheap
Super Bowl With a Smirk is back with the fifth and last of our daily needling jabs at the self-important NFL and the oversized gravitas of its big game. Flying under the banner, “Make Fun, Not War,” Smirk is an annual Super Bowl Week feature in the Miami Herald on years we remember to do it.
Well, the big Super Bowl weekend is finally here! The game itself? Yeah, that’s pretty big, too. But I meant the parties!
A small sampling:
Rob Gronkowski’s “Gronk Beach” party is Saturday on Miami Beach featuring open tiki bars, Hawaiian barbecue and hula dancers, all for $800. An upgraded “Big Game Royalty Experience” costs $1 million and includes a ride on Shaquille O’Neal’s shoulders. You can’t make this s--- up, folks.
The pricey “Taste of the NFL” fundraiser to feed the homeless is Saturday night at the Diplomat, with menus from chefs repping every team. Chiefs are serving Moroccan Lamb Harira. From Niners you get Dungeness Crab Fried Rice. The Dolphins are serving Verlasso Seared Salmon BLT. And, as always, because the Fins haven’t played in a Super Bowl since 1984, Miami’s main course will be served with a traditional Glaze of Dolfan Tears.
Michael Rubin’s Fanatics SB party is Saturday at the Loews hotel, featuring music by Post Malone, Meek Mill, Migos,
The Chainsmsokers and more. Question: Before Post Malone got famous, did he go by Pre Malone?
“Sports Illustrated the Party” is Saturday at the Fontainebleau, with Marshmello, Black Eyed Peas and Da Baby. Hmm. Didn’t SI just lay off about half its editorial staff? Party on!
Smirk culled through his own stack of exclusive A-list party invites to top-end celebrity soirees and will be attending the Super Bowl party hosted by a dude claiming to be the halfbrother of that guy who sang “Gangnam Style.”
The NFL Awards Show at the Arsht Center on Saturday night will be hosted by Steve Harvey. Prediction: Lamar Jackson will win the MVP, but Harvey will inadvertently announce the honor goes to Miss Colombia. (P.S., put Zach Thomas in Canton, please).
In an event on Monday, the Miami Super Bowl Host Committee
and its counterpart for next year’s game, Tampa, will stage a ceremonial “handoff.” Fox-TV rules analyst Mike Periera is expected to be on hand to lay blame should the handoff be fumbled.
The news conference with the winning-team coach and quarterback will also be Monday. No location yet, though, because Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes have not decided.
Chiefs will beat 49ers 35-31 Sunday, says EA Sports’ official “Madden NFL 20” video-game simulation. Of more note, at Cincinnati Zoo, Fiona the hippo also picked K.C., although she vomited while doing it.
David Grutman, owner of the popular LIV nightclub in the Fountainebleau, is reveling in the free publicity from Super Bowl LIV being here. “My favorite part of the night now is driving through Miami and seeing ‘LIV’ all over,” he told CBS Sports.
“It’s the best thing ever.”
Trivia: The club, founded in 2008, was not presciently named with future Super Bowl Roman numerals in mind. The name is an homage to the Fountainebleau’s founding in 1954 and to the old Studio 54.
“Smirk asked Merriam-Webster
for an analysis of this year’s Super Bowl. The response: “A 49er was one taking part in the rush to California for gold in 1849. A chief is a person accorded highest rank or office.”
Pizza Hut is giving cash, free food and tickets to next year’s Super Bowl to the first couple to give birth to twins after Sunday’s kickoff. The company denied it’s a publicity stunt.
Super Bowl ads update: The E-Trade baby who debuted in a 2008 commercial is now a sullen preteen who hates his parents and is presently locked in his bedroom listening to the Avenged Sevenfold song “Nightmare” on a continuous loop.
New York City’s Old Homestead Steakhouse is offering a dinner for four with four tickets and airfare to the 2022 Super Bowl. Cost: $154,000. A bargain, actually. The same publicityseeking joint offered a $181,000 Thanksgiving dinner last year.
Super Bowl Tip Dujour: Finally, surprise your guests Sunday with an entirely healthy menu featuring beet salad, tofu, kale and plant-based burgers. Then bolt all the doors so nobody can leave.
Greg Cote: 305-376-3492, @gregcote