Stepmom, who is paying for wedding, wants to be totally included
Dear Carolyn: I am maid of honor in my close friend’s wedding. I planned a bachelorette party downtown with the three other bridesmaids and four friends of the bride. I rented two connecting hotel rooms, made dinner reservations, and planned some fun bars to go to. The next morning, we were going to have brunch. The bride was excited about it. We planned it together.
Then the bride’s stepmother started sending me messages that she and the bride’s sister really want to be included. The bride’s mother isn’t invited to any bachelorette party events. I told the stepmother this, and she said her daughter (age 15) really wants to attend, and since they are paying for the wedding she doesn’t think they should be excluded from any wedding events. I asked her if she wanted to come just to dinner or just to brunch the next day, and she was really put out by this suggestion.
If I invite her and her daughter, we couldn’t go out to the bars after dinner. I would also feel obligated to invite the bride’s mother. There is nothing against them, but that just changes the entire event.
I already planned a shower where all family members are present. I think the stepmother is put out that her daughter is not in the bridal party.
I asked the bride what she wants me to do, and she just got really upset and said she doesn’t want anybody mad. I feel thrown in the middle of a family conflict. What should I do?
— Maid of Honor
This is a bachelorette party, not a teenage-girl’sand-bride’s-moms’ party, for fox’s sake.
So say that, nicely of course. Hold the line. Technically it’s to the point where the bride ought to step in and tell her stepmother to back off, but she’s not doing it, so do it for her. I know it’s awkward, but think about it: Do you really need the stepmother to like you?
No, no you do not.
It’s a good chance to work on your diplomatic skills, too: velvet glove, iron ist. “I’m happy to work with you on other events, but this one is at a bar and so we can’t bring someone underage. This is my decision, not the bride’s. Thank you for understanding.”