How do I learn to accept my mom’s crazy and frustrating behavior?

Hi, Carolyn: Common mental health parlance often talks about “accepting” x about y person. What does that look like? How do you make your brain not expect or wish for certain things, or not be frustrated when people — my mom — do insane things, like let her windows rot out, and then be upset when I won’t let my kids spend the night there? How do I accept that?

I don’t mean that snarkily — I mean, what would acceptance of maddening, sad, upsetting things like that look like in practice?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: I’m sorry your mom isn’t well.

Here is the mechanism for acceptance: Do you get angry when night falls or winter comes?

You get angry over your mom’s behavior, though, because a part of you still thinks she could be different. If you regard her behaviors as inevitable and immutable, like the seasons, then they lose their power to upset you. Then, they just are.

That is acceptance. It’s hard, but your mind is powerful enough to do this.

Dear Carolyn: My son is planning to propose to his girlfriend and has asked for a family heirloom to use as the engagement ring. It’s not a traditional choice, but it has some emotional signi icance to HIM.

The girlfriend has made a few heavy-handed comments about hoping for something more traditional. They may have whizzed by my son’s head.

I’m not sure what to do. I told my son the ring is not necessarily his girlfriend’s taste, and she has actually commented about wanting something different. He has so far told me (nicely) to butt out, but the ring belongs to me and I could just say no if I wanted to.

Would that be appropriate?

— Woman Who Hated Her Own Engagement Ring

Woman Who Hated

Her Own Engagement Ring: Sure! Keep the ring. Tell him you’re still using it, and the girlfriend doesn’t like it. This battle ield is already bloody with minced words, so don’t add more.

I’m not over the moon with her tactic of dropping hints like so many cinder blocks. If she wants something, then she should say so or buy it herself.