I can’t afford to pay for my daughter’s wedding and now she’s upset

Carolyn Hax is away. The following is from Jan. 25, 2006.

Dear Carolyn: Our only daughter, almost 29, is planning to marry in October. She is engaged to a great guy.

We made the mistake of being caught up in the excitement and have found we cannot live up to the financial contribution she had hoped for. They make a considerable income compared with her dad and me but are heavily in debt (student loans and credit cards), and cannot contribute a dime. His family cannot help, either.

We would like to make her day special, but some changes need to be made. She and I have exchanged many harsh words, and there doesn’t seem to be a compromise. We are now the bad guys.

Her dad and I are divorced and in our own new relationships. Help us come to some resolution so our relationships will not be strained forever.

— Mother of the Bride

Mother of the Bride: Unless there’s something you’re not telling me:

Your daughter is 29 in only a chronological sense; a “great guy” would point that out to her gently while reminding her that her parents are under no obligation to pay for her wedding at all, much less a more elaborate one than they can afford, much less when the only reason they’re being asked to pay is the couple’s only semidefensible debt; a harsh word from someone in her position is inexcusable; and a compromise is neither necessary nor advisable with someone who’s abusing your kindness or funds.

If there is, in fact, something you’re not telling me — say, that you knowingly promised more than you plan to deliver, or that you’ve been meddlesome, judgmental or hostile during the planning process, or both — then you need to apologize to your daughter immediately.

Either way, you need to decide on an exact dollar amount you are willing and able to spend — if any, at this point, though acting out of spite is the gateway to “strained forever” — and give it to the couple along with your blessing to spend it as they please, no strings, be it on their wedding, their debts or their dog.