Mom tries to come to terms with the abrupt end of son’s marriage
Dear Carolyn: My son got married in October to his longtime girlfriend. The wedding was fabulous, but more important, my son and his wife appeared to be blissfully in love.
He called yesterday to say it was over — she had been unhappy since the wedding and finally moved back home to her parents. He said that she felt she had lost her identity, that her career was secondary to his and that they only were friends with his friends.
What’s odd about this is that he lives 2,000 miles from where he grew up — but they live in the only city she has ever lived in. Her family, friends, high school, college and career are all still right there. It makes me think that there is something more serious going on.
I’m so terribly sad. Before anyone says this isn’t about me, I get that, but I’m grieving nevertheless. I’d sure love advice on how I can move on from this, while supporting my son.
— Sad Former Mother-in-Law
Sad Former Motherin-Law: Of course you’re grieving. It’s a sad time for all of you.
I don’t think this needs to be about “something more serious going on,” though. It seems possible that she just held all this stuff in and told herself different things to make it OK and it all never really felt right, and now it’s all just tumbling out in a pile of messy feelings.
Here’s a common version of what I’m trying to describe: She kept telling herself that she and your son were right for each other because they were together so long ... and kept tuning out the little voice telling her otherwise, because hitting the brakes was so painful to think about. And once the wedding plans were underway, ugh, so painful and now
to stop the runaway train. But finally it was too hard to deny that she wasn’t happy.
I’m throwing this all out there in case it helps you make sense of it, but the basics are the same regardless: She had second thoughts, she acted on them, your son is first among you in facing a drastic and painful change.
If her heart is no longer in this marriage, then your son will be better for her decision to get out. In time he will recover, and a life that fits him better will be there for him when he’s ready.