Brother, sister-in-law must tell niece she’s not their biological child

Dear Carolyn: Both my brother and his wife were unable to have children, so they conceived in vitro using both a donated sperm and egg, though my sister-in-law carried my niece and gave birth to her. She is now a young teenager.

My niece has no idea she is not biologically related to any of us. They had originally planned to tell her when she was 8, but through the years my brother and sister-in-law have had serious problems, from alcohol abuse to medical issues, so the issue of telling my niece was left alone.

There are many people who know, including friends, family, co-workers, etc. My best estimate is 50. I know it’s not my place to tell her, but I am afraid she will find out and become distraught or develop horrible feelings of betrayal. She already has fought serious emotional issues due to her parents’ actions, and I’m not sure how well she will handle it, even coming from her parents.

My brother has been sober for a year, but they can’t come up with a plan to tell her, and the longer they wait the more hesitant they become. I’m not sure what I can do, but it makes me anxious. Even my children are asking when their cousin will be told. Any advice?

— Nervous Aunt

Nervous Aunt: Everything wrong with this scenario has already happened. Your niece is old enough and has been for a while to know a secret about herself that everyone knows but her. Everyone.

Please try to do the one thing that likely seems hardest right now: Let go. Lean hard on the reality that it’s not your household, not your secret, not your child. Counsel your children accordingly: “I know it’s heavy to know this. But it’s their family’s business. Our only job is to love her and stay out of it.” Except for this: Any and

every time your brother brings it up to you — ergo, invites comment — urge them to consult with a therapist and get this done. A session or three. They can get names from their (or any local) fertility clinic. It’s all the “plan” they need.

If your niece is angry at all of you upon finding out, own it: “I love you and I’m sorry I let you down.”