This husband writes off his mother’s fat-shaming as ‘harmless’

Dear Carolyn: My mother-in-law is 75 and in great shape, yay. She’s also a fat-shamer, harping endlessly on diet and exercise and saying things like fat kids are better off dead than living with their health problems. At her brother’s funeral she marveled out loud at the weight gain of the sister-in-law.

My husband writes all of this off as harmless because she never insults anyone directly to their face. I am at a loss for what to do. I can’t even leave the room, because I just know she’s inwardly criticizing the size of my butt as I walk away. Any advice?

— At a Loss

At a Loss: Please tell him it is not harmless to you: It upsets you and ruins visits because it’s cruel.

Then opt out of spending time with this Hydra. Please, for your own wellbeing, explaining to your husband exactly why.

Dear Carolyn: My sister is expecting her first baby.

The father is only marginally involved, though he lives nearby. For the two years they’ve been together, they have a routine going where:

1. They share some blissful experience, leaving her sure they’re going to get married;

2. He announces he isn’t sure about the relationship;

3. She starts moving on with her life and like clockwork he starts missing her;

4. Repeat.

We’re somewhere between phases 2 and 3 now, so I am attending her birth classes with her.

It’s madness; the daddy is local and perfectly capable. A couple of times now, he has reached out to me to shower me with gratitude for supporting her at these classes. No addressing why he did not come himself. No indication that he plans to try to come to the next one. Just lame, fake-seeming, “Thank you soooo much” nonsense. I am thisclose to telling him off.

What’s stopping me is how much harder it could make things for her.

— Thisclose

Thisclose: Next time he showers you with thanks, just say, calmly, “Showing up is not hard. I suggest you try it.”

You don’t have to tell him off, but you also don’t have to play along with anyone’s bull.