Making memories requires being emotionally present
Memory is a growing concern for many of us, not just older folks experiencing declining cognitive functioning.
Andrea, a busy middleaged mom and business executive, was a case in point. “I can’t remember much from when my children were little,” she told me, worried she might be suffering some kind of memory impairment.
A battery of medical and neuropsychological tests showed all was normal, leaving her perplexed. I offered an alternative explanation.
“Maybe you weren’t there when your kids were younger,” I suggested.
“Of course I was there. I worked but I wasn’t gone for long periods of time on business or anything,” she responded.
Andrea may have been with her little ones physically, but the question is whether she was also mentally present and emotionally available.
After reflecting on this distinction, she recognized the culprit in what plagues so many of us these days — presenteeism.
We’re all familiar with absenteeism, which refers to missing work or school. Well, presenteeism occurs when one is physically present but psychologically absent, which happens often in our fast-paced, multi-distracting, technology saturated world.
So what does presenteeism have to do with remembering? A lot, it turns out.
To become encoded in long-term memory, experiences need to be infused with emotion. There appears to be a direct relationship between the emotional intensity associated with an event and how deeply it becomes imprinted in one’s mind.
The dark side of this phenomenon is reflected in post-traumatic stress disorder. Emotional trauma is what burns these disturbing occurrences so deeply into memory. But this same process occurs with positive emotions — a birth, wedding, epiphany, moment of awe, etc. The more deeply we feel a happening, the better we are able to recall it.
Back to Andrea and those like her: When one is not truly present in a situation (instead being distracted, depressed, apathetic, etc.), then one’s emotional responses are either absent or muted, meaning lasting memories often fail to form. This can create blank spaces in one’s recollections that have nothing to do with declining brain health and much to do with being mentally and emotionally absent.
Being fully present in one’s experiences is increasingly uncommon today. Just watch people “interacting” in restaurants, malls and other public places. Many are flitting from one input to another — their smartphone, the other person, the surrounding activity, etc.
When observing folks in these scenarios, I often recall a quip from Firesign Theatre, a comedy troop from my youth: “How can you be in two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all?”
Sadly, many of us don’t engage our full awareness with the here and now, ending up “not anywhere at all” — a distracted mental space where rich memories fail to form.
“You can’t do much about what you’ve missed,” I told Andrea. “However, from now on, by being truly present with the people and happenings you care about, you can make new memories that last.”
Philip Chard is a psychotherapist, author and trainer. Email Chard at outofmymind@philipchard.com or visit philipchard.com.