Making lemonade out of husband’s long-ago affair

Carolyn: My husband recently dropped a bomb on our lives. He was contacted by someone claiming to be his child.

It turns out many years ago, when we were married a few years, he had a one-night stand. Never saw this person again and now, bingo!

I am devastated and angry. Our children are 37 and 35. This surprise person is 33. So I was home with two small kids when he acted like an idiot one night.

We do not want our kids and family to know this situation. But he has been contacting this person back and forth for weeks after I thought we agreed on no contact. I am hurt and betrayed.

This person seems to think we should have a relationship and be one big happy family. I think not. What do you say? — Anonymous Anonymous: I say you’re entitled to your fury.

I say it’s your prerogative not to acknowledge “this surprise person” or tell your children.

I say “acted like an idiot” is a fair assessment.

And I say that digging in to these wholly justifiable positions will hurt you more than anyone else in this mess.

Why? Because it happened, all of it. The affair isn’t going away, the child isn’t going away, the pain isn’t going away, no matter how hard you shove them out of your field of vision. Not telling your kids won’t remove any of the weight of knowing.

So my advice is to take the time you need to be angry and to keep this person as far from your personal sphere as you want to and can.

Then, when the anger starts to dissipate — counseling might be helpful here, just for you — consider doing the t opposite of what your initial make-this-go-away impulse said to do.

Consider: Giving your blessing for father and child to be in touch. Meeting this person yourself. Sharing the news with your children, and, if and when they’re ready, encouraging them to get to know their sibling. Lemonade, in lifetime supply. Carolyn: My husband, “Chuck,” is very ill, and has been for some time. I try to do most of the work around the home, plus driving him to numerous doctor appointments. I also care for him, which is not easy and includes managing his medications and strict dietary needs.

Since he has become more ill lately, our children want to visit. Three of our four kids plan to visit with only one or two of their children, leaving the remainder at home with their fathers/ mothers to ease the burden not only on Grandpa, but on me as well.

Our oldest son is married to a much younger lady with four children from her previous marriage. This son has three children of his own and plans to leave the two youngest with his ex-wife. His current wife insists that he bring all her children so they don’t feel left out.

Is this fair, when many “true” grandchildren are staying home because of Grandpa’s weak condition and my extra work? — Tired Grandmother Tired: They’re all “true” grandchildren. Kids are kids and family is family and love is love.

The visits aren’t primarily about your grandchildren, but instead about Chuck and the adult children. When Chuck’s health and yours stand to suffer from the stress of too many visitors, the grandkids simply have to stay home.

You have to draw and enforce a line. Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Washington Post Writers Group