We need to teach men not to rape

When I was younger, I asked my parents if I could take up martial arts. Instead, I was offered ballet, even though I had no particular interest in it (and hated the outfits). I regret that I was steered away from the thing I really wanted to do, especially since it was because fighting sports were not considered “appropriate” for little girls.

I’ve spoken with male friends who showed early interest in things like ballet and were forcibly discouraged. The reasons were similar: Dance was “too girly.”

These are just two small anecdotes that reflect a much larger, far more systemic problem. You’ve likely heard or read the terms “patriarchy” or “toxic masculinity” before. Perhaps you’ve dismissed them as meaningless buzzwords used by us social justice warriors to cause division.

The opposite is true. When we call out the problems of a patriarchal culture, of the harm done by toxic masculinity, we are not condemning men as a whole. Patriarchy hurts everyone. Even men.

My fellow columnist Christian Schneider recently wrote a piece talking about his young daughter’s request to learn to box and how he enthusiastically supports her. He’s right to do so: Boxing teaches body confidence and the ability to stand up for yourself and others when presented with a threat.

I’m all for it. Anyone who wants to practice a sport or physical art should be encouraged.

But here’s where Schneider goes astray: He thinks there’s a “certain brand of feminism that believes asking a woman to take steps to protect herself is somehow ‘blaming the victim.’”

He’s missing a larger point and trying to tilt at a windmill that doesn’t even exist.

Genuine feminism supports anyone’s right to choose to learn self-defense techniques. There’s nothing wrong with individuals taking steps they think will keep them safer in certain situations. I’ve never read a serious argument otherwise.

What’s at issue is the overwhelming emphasis our society places on telling women how to prevent rape and other assaults, while doing relatively little to teach people not to rape or commit assault. Our priorities are so out of whack that I can’t blame a traumatized population for pushing back when they see so many think-pieces trumpeting the newest invention aimed at capitalizing on women’s insecurity.

In the end, getting indignant, as Schneider does, over an imagined disagreement about what we should be encouraging girls to do is missing the larger issue: We live in a culture that reinforces toxic and harmful ideas about what it means to “be a man,” leading to generations of boys growing up emotionally stunted and believing they’re owed sexual gratification whenever they want it and from whomever they want it.

We live in a culture in which some men think they can act without consequence and without regard for the wishes or wellbeing of anyone but themselves. A world in which they aren’t allowed to have feelings or find emotional support in close friendships with other men and women, leaving them to think that the only way to find it is through a romantic relationship with a woman.

We persist in shoving people into ill-fitting boxes, forcing women, LGBTQ people and people of color to waste emotional energy planning for the whims and rages of men. That’s why some of us get so angry when more weight is added to an already heavy load.

Instead of arguing with us, Schneider would do well to understand that some cultural systems need to be dismantled.

So yes, let boys do ballet and let girls box. Even those small choices can make a difference.