It’s best not to encourage people who pout
Pouting is not an activity confined to children.
Adult versions may be more sophisticated or subtle, but the underlying modus operandi is the same.
Grownups (chronologically speaking) demonstrate several variations on pouting that congeal around two main strategies: (1) withdraw emotionally in a “take my ball and go home” way that attempts to shame others by withholding engagement and connection, or (2) withdraw emotionally and then strike back without appearing to do so (think “mental sniper”).
Mariah falls into the withhold engagement bucket, which I refer to as “passive pouting.” If someone hurts her feelings, which is exceedingly easy to do, rather than expressing her discontent in a candid manner, she descends into an emotional coma that renders her non-responsive in any meaningful way.
Often, this motivates others to ask her, “What’s wrong?” Her standard response is, “Nothing,” although her tone of voice and demeanor say otherwise.
Mariah may not cross her arms, crumple her face and put on pouty lips like a 5-year-old, but it has the same effect. The intent behind withholding connection is to demonstrate one’s unhappiness in a passive fashion while simultaneously frustrating the other person’s attempts to engage directly around the issue.
In contrast, the strike-back variant of this interpersonal dance is what I call “aggressive pouting.” As the term implies, this is a way to mentally spit in someone’s face without getting caught in the act.
So, how does an aggressive pouter differ from a passive one? Well, he or she still does the curmudgeon routine but adds a new twist. It’s like the pouty kid who hits you in the back of the neck with a spitball after you look away. When you spin around, that person puts on the “not me” act.
Richard is a case in point. At work, he does the pouty withdrawal bit in front of co-workers he dislikes, only to later find some way to undermine those persons through gossip, innuendo or behind the scenes fault-finding.
Pouty types pose tough interpersonal challenges. With the passive variety, they seem to invite your concern but then block any meaningful discourse, rendering resolution improbable.
The same conundrum exists with the aggressive type, but there’s an added difficulty. The more one tries to clear the air, the more one invites further sabotage and back-stabbing. Why? Aggressive pouters feel most powerful when they can wreak havoc — behind the scenes — in the lives of those they feel have done them wrong.
Two primary approaches seem to work best with many, though not all adult pouters. First, call them out and point to the elephant in the room. Once unmasked, pouters may be willing to reengage or at least back off. Second, if that doesn’t work, you need to disengage; not in a pouty way, but by respectfully refusing to participate in a dysfunctional melodrama.
Pouting is a lousy way of telling the world one is unhappy, so don’t encourage it by taking the bait.
When with adult pouters, stay in your own life.
Philip Chard is a psychotherapist, author and trainer. Email Chard at outofmymind@philipchard.com or visit philipchard.com.