Book explores challenging relationship of gay men and their fathers.
Exploring tough moments for fathers, sons
For men embracing their sexuality, three of the most difficult words to say are, “Dad, I’m gay.” Tim Clausen mailed a letter to share his truth with his father and mother, who were religious and struggled to accept what their son was telling them.
For Bob Clausen, his boy became “Not the Son He Expected,” the title of a new book by Tim Clausen summed up by its subtitle: “Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship with Their Father.”
One of those men, Danny, now a police officer in Alabama, braced for a punch when he told his father. Instead, his dad surprised him with a warm embrace.
“Other interviewees have found themselves disowned or estranged from their fathers after coming out to them. Some fathers do eventually come around, and it is encouraging to know that a father’s initial reaction is often not his only one,” writes Clausen, 58, who grew up in Oconomowoc and now lives on Milwaukee’s North Shore. In addition to writing, he works in sales and is a jazz pianist.
Something remarkable happened in his own journey. After his mother died, Clausen set out to put aside the pain of the past and really get to know his aging father as a unique human being. He helped his dad, who was ailing from the effects of a stroke, settle into assisted living and eventually nursing care, and the two men bonded over shared meals and cribbage.
“I am aware of how incredibly fortunate I was to experience the deep friendship my father and I shared late in his life, even if it took us a long time to get there,” the author writes in his own story in
the book, which is available on Amazon.
That is followed by 25 chapters distilled from 82 interviews that Clausen did with gay men of various ages all over the country, Puerto Rico and Canada. Some of the men he talked to had never come out to their fathers. Some men allowed their full names to be used. Others wanted to be anonymous.
Stuart Gaffney, who grew up in Whitefish Bay, recalled his father became very sad when told by his new college graduate son that he was gay. “He really didn’t know what to do with this information, and I’m sure part of him wished we could just rewind the tape and pretend that it never happened.”
At first, his father had many often frustrating questions, but over time came to understand and accept his son and the man he married. During a toast at their wedding, the father apologized for not making his son feel OK when he needed that more than anything. “But now I am here for you.”
Luke McAvoy, of southeastern Wisconsin, thought his father would be angry when he told him. But he replied, “It doesn’t matter. We love you either way. I’m excited for who you bring home.”
New Yorker Matthew Shurka, in the book’s final chapter, tells how his father sent him to conversion therapy as a teenager, saying, “If there’s
really something to it psychologically and there’s a cure, you need to go for it.”
The years of therapy failed, of course. Shurka and his father drifted apart, but they reunited and Shurka convinced his dad that being gay was not something to worry about. Last summer, the two men walked together in the New York City pride parade. And Shurka now works to outlaw the practice of conversion therapy.
Clausen takes comfort in these success stories. His goal in writing this book is to make life easier and better for gay men and their families.
“The main truth I’d like to convey to sons is, be good to yourself,” he told me. “Even the most difficult father-son relationships can improve and change for the better over time, and whether he ever communicated it to you or not, you’ve always been worthy of your dad’s unconditional love and support.”
Contact Jim Stingl at (414) 224-2017 or jstingl@jrn.com. Connect with my public page at Facebook.com/ Journalist.Jim.Stingl