Dad stops talking after hearing ‘no’

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Hi, Carolyn: My dad backed out of participating in the family beach trip when I asked him not to bring his new love interest. At the time, my spouse’s parents were coming; they have been married almost 40 years, and I knew it would make them uncomfortable. Additionally, I wasn’t comfortable when I envisioned explaining to my 18-year-old daughter and her friend accompanying us on the trip why it was OK for him to bring a girlfriend. I think she’s a girlfriend, I’m not sure, I have only met her once.

I would have been happy if they had gotten a hotel room that overlapped with our stay at the beach and met up with us when they wanted. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, but instead his response was to insult me and skip my daughter’s high school graduation. I haven’t talked to him since and I miss him, but I am disappointed he made the choice regarding the graduation.

I have thought about writing him a letter since he lashes out over email, but I don’t think I have done anything “wrong.” Still, I miss him. No idea how to proceed with him from here. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!

– Miss My Unreasonable Dad

Wow. He’s handling it terribly, so terribly that it almost retroactively justifies your choice to veto his love interest. Almost.

You excluded an adult relative’s companion because … it would bum out your in-laws, because they’ve been married a really long time? Wha? Are they 6 years old? What a punitive choice.

Your daughter isn’t 6, either. “Grandpa’s bringing his friend, Fifi.” That is the

actual all you actually needed to say. If you felt obliged to fill an awkward silence after that, then you could have added, “I don’t know her well, obviously, but that means she’s probably going to feel awkward at first. Let’s be sure to make her feel welcome.” That’s the only “explaining” you needed to “envision.”

If your daughter asked follow-up questions, then you had an ace to play: “Your grandfather is a grown man. His personal life is his business.”

You had a chance to set an example of grace, for all involved, and you noped it. Hard.

Please, next time such a chance comes up, ask yourself what you really stand to lose by saying yes. Not in a living-bysomebody-or-other’s-rules kind of way, but in the way of living with love and acceptance. “Of course your friend can come, Dad, and I’m glad for the chance to get to know her better.”

Now, back to your father’s post-snub behavior. It reads like a how-to manual for petulance, and if this is the way he typically operates, then you were raised by someone without healthy emotional resources – which could certainly explain why it didn’t come naturally to you just to welcome his friend unreservedly and sort out the details later. This stuff is not as intuitive as we make it out to be.

If your relationships in general, not just with your dad, are higher conflict than you’d like, then please consider talking to a good family therapist.

Otherwise, how to proceed with dad? Apologize for being unfriendly.